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Help with Hubby
Okay here it goes. I don't usually put "family issues" here but I just don't know what to do and there are many of guys out there that I have come to highly respect your opinions even thought I might not agree 100%. But here goes. I come from a family of alcoholics...mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, etc. I know it. I lived it. When I was a kid friends did not come to my house. I didn't want them too. I only had one friend that would come over because her dad was an alcoholic and she understood. So people mistook me as shy or withdrawn or weird because it was just one friend...especially in high school. I know I have a tendency to drink too much. I have many times. But I am afraid of that beast so I know my limits. I know I can't drink too much. I have two kids and I WILL NOT have them live like I did. There were many things that could have been avoided in my childhood. I will not have my children feel the way I did. Anyhow, I married a 26 year old man two years ago. He is a good man. He provides for us. I am able to stay home with the kids and wouldn't be able to do that without him. He works really hard. He took on a lot when we got married....an instant family (I had a 4 yr old), mortgage, insurance, kid stuff, etc. All he had to worry about before was his truck payment, and insurance payment. So I know his life changed. I warned him. We would go out, go to friends house and drink all night, etc. I had always told him during that time that this person he sees out is just a part of me, but when I am at home with my son, I don't drink. (My parents would take my son on the weekends) He knows my history. I know that I am hypersensitive to drinking. I have told him this. But I have also said I will not let my kids be affected by drinking. Well, he likes his beer. I like my beer. But the difference is he has three to my one. Just tonight he drank 8 beers in 2 hours. This isn't unusual. He can go without for days, even weeks at a time. But once he has one he doesn't stop. I just had a conversation with him 3 nights ago about how I am getting concern about the drinking again. We have had many conversations. I truly don't care if he has one or two beers a night, but six to 8 is too many. Frankly I don't know what to do. I don't even have a problem with us drinking too much once in awhile. I don't have a problem with him drinking 6 to 8 beers on a Saturday (the whole day, not just hours). I have to tell him when I go out to do something with my eldest "Don't drink too much while I am gone." I know I am a little paranoid. But what if the baby gets hurt and he is on his 6th beer? He shouldn't drive. If the ambulance comes and smells alcohol then what then? I don't know if this is right or not, but I am two different people. When my parents have my kids, watch out, I can be a party animal. But when my kids are home, I don't. Am I being hypocritical? Am I being paranoid? Am I being a bitch...it's ok for me to do it sometimes, but not him? And again, I have had many talks with him about this. What is it going to take for him to "hear" me? Should I just not have alcohol in the house? I know each person is different on how the wind down or relieve stress. But I don't know why he has to have so many? I probably do know, I just don't want to acknowledge it. Any advice on how I can get through to him?
32 comments from 11 users
posted by
sunshine
on Nov 2, 2007 at 09:08 PM
Colitas, I am sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like a heavy burden on your heart, and I wish I had an easy suggestion! First of all... Are your parents now "in recovery"? I hope that if you are still leaving your children with them for occasional weekends of fun that they are no longer drinking? I can completely understand you wanting better for your kids than you had... and not wanting them to grow up with an alcoholic father. And, I think you DO need to acknowledge what you already know. Your husband is an alcoholic. 6-8 beers in a matter of hours.... If you've had "the talk" before, and he still needs to consume that much alcohol, I think it is safe to say he is satisfying an addition, not just having weekend fun. I guess I'm curious to know how he acts when he drinks? Is he a jerk? Is he someone you would not want the kids to be around? Would your parents be willing to talk to him (if they are sober now)? Perhaps if they shared their experiences, he would be encouraged to seek help? And if he denies having a problem, which I understand they all do... then maybe you can suggest eliminating all alcohol from your home for a time.... or insist that he only drink when you are home, and that you are the "designated parent" if the children need something. I'm just giving my 2 cents. I've never had to deal with alcoholism, or been close to anyone who has. I know it is always a complicated situation, and can really ruin relationships, childhoods, and futures. I wish you luck.... and send my prayers for your family. posted by
madkow2747
on Nov 2, 2007 at 10:36 PM
Funny I'm reading this now... I'm a little drunk, lol! Maybe I'll think of a good solution once I sober up, haha!
posted by
madkow2747
on Nov 3, 2007 at 12:41 AM
COLUTSA YOUR GEART YOU KNOW THAR!~!!
posted by
olivia
on Nov 3, 2007 at 03:55 AM
Colitas, keep talking to him about your feelings. If he is an alcoholic, you know, your party days may be over. I know it gets old and I know it gets tiresome. I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm here if you need to talk back and forth. As always, I know what you are going through. Email me if you need to.
posted by
Colitas
on Nov 3, 2007 at 11:10 AM
sunshine...thank you. No my parents still drink. They don't however when my son is with them. This is something we have talked about and they don't. I have even called and "dropped" by to make sure. We have had our fights when he has been drinking but normally I have been too. And the last was close to 2 years ago because I refuse to do it. But, no is not a jerk 99% of the time. In fact he is much easier going when he is drinking. He has much more patience with the kids and plays with them, etc. Do I leave them alone with him after he has had too much, no. I in fact tell him not to drink if I have to go some place. I hate having to that. Then I become "instant bitch" when he starts on his forth beer. I look for anything and everything he might do wrong and blame it on the drinking. I know this isn't right, and I hate it. I just can't control it. My mom told me one time that "I don't have a drinking problem, I have a problem with drinking too much sometimes." I couldn't respond to that. And of course that was when I still had a bunch of hatred towards her. I now have move on from that, forgave and love them. I just don't want to have to go through it all again or mostly my kids go through it. And yes, I think I do know what I have to do and stop dodging the "big pink elephant" that is in the room. Again, thank you. Madkow...you sound like you have fun last night...lol. Good for you!! How are ya feeling today ;) Olivia....thank you too. I know I can talk to you. I know what my limitations are and I just wish he did too. My party days are already pretty much gone..lol. I think the last time I tied one on was a year ago. Sometimes I think it's an age thing. I don't know. But I don't want to look back 10 years from now and "oops, I guess I was wrong". I don't know.
posted by
madkow2747
on Nov 3, 2007 at 11:17 AM
Ok, ok... sorry to be blogging while intoxicated... you wouldn't believe what I did on myspace *cringe* Suffice to say that my husband is writing apologies to almost all his friends :( (although I'm impressed I was able to type in the spam code!)
posted by
olivia
on Nov 3, 2007 at 04:54 PM
Colitas, you know I've come from an alcoholic background also. My ex husband rarely drank. When he would. He would just make me sick and I couldn't stand it. I blamed that on having to be around my dad being drunk all the time. My ex is just a plain ol sick, mean man. As I've stated before on another comment. I hung in there until I had absolultely "zilch" hope left in him. When I finally left him, I knew it was absolutely the right thing to do. (Why I didn't know earlier still makes me doubt my sanity) My thought when I made the decison to leave him was this. "I've been married to this man for 20 years", those 20 years went by so quickly and other than 4 kids, our marriage was a complete waste of time. We accomplished nothing. I just couldn't imagine spending another 20 years doing nothing with him. Bigdog and I have been together for 8 years. He goes to AA. He's been sober now for a while. My life and my security is slowly coming back. I love this guy. I have hope in him. I won't ever leave him unless again, I lose all hope in him. I can't help but believe in marriage. I believe in better or worse. I married him knowing his problems. I wish I knew what to say to you. I know, what you are feeling. Have you seen these 20 questions? Maybe he could look at these and make a decision for himself. You can't keep from bitching, I know that. I've been where you are. It doesn't make you feel better. It isn't helping him. In the final end though, you have to do what you know is right. And that's way more than my 2 cents. Take care Colitas. posted by
samattheloop
on Nov 3, 2007 at 05:45 PM
you might want to check out alanon. They have a great program for people that have to deal with those in their lives that 'seem' to be drinking too much.
posted by
oilfieldtrash72
on Nov 5, 2007 at 01:00 PM
Colitas,
I married a woman with 5 children. I also like my beer. The difference between me and him is that I don’t drink, I guzzle. To me, his 8 beers in 2 hours is fairly conservative. I bet I would drink 2 to his 1. My marriage failed and if drinking had anything to do with it, it was a very small portion of the many problems we had. Looking back, when things were good, I drank out of sheer boredom. As you can imagine, maintaining a household for my spouse, 5 children (ages 6-16 and all girls), 3 dogs, 2 birds and a hamster is quite expensive so there wasn’t much in the way entertainment money. Then when things started to go wrong it became a necessity for me. At the time I felt like I was addicted and I would never be able to stop or slow down without professional help. Now that I’m here all alone in this big empty house with nothing but memories (both good and bad) I can say that I was able to slow way down. I try to limit my drinking to one night a week. I’m successful 90% of the time and I don’t drink as much during that night as I did every night during my marriage.
Ok, now that I’ve established that I kinda know where he’s coming from, here’s some of the things that I was thinking and he may be thinking:
“I’m a full grown man. I support this family. I’m not at the bar with my buddies every night. I’m not out chasing women or cheating on my wife. I don’t physically, mentally or emotionally abuse my wife or children. I took on this ready-made family when a lot of other guys wouldn’t. Other people my age are out doing such and such but instead I chose to do such and such…..so if I want drink a 12 pack a night, then by God I should be able too…..blah blah blah”. I’m not justifying it, just trying to give a little insight.
Ok, I’m no professional so take the following with a grain of salt.
It seems to me that the main issue here is not how much or how often he drinks. It’s not even the fact that he does it in front of the kids. The main issue is that you don’t want your children to be embarrassed by it. So just like anything else, if you are embarrassed by it, your children will be more likely to be embarrassed by it. The children don’t see that mommy gets upset when daddy drinks 3 or more beers in a night. They only see: daddy drinks beer, mommy gets upset. So even if he cuts down to 1 or 2 a night you’re not really gaining anything. You’re more likely to make them MORE hypersensitive than you are. Again, I’m not a professional.
My advice:
You can’t control what he does. If he wants to drink he’s gonna drink and he’ll justify it with the thoughts above. However, you CAN control what you do. If you absolutely have to make an issue of how much he drinks, NEVER do it in front of the children. I mean go behind closed doors without the children in the room and whisper. If they never see you make an issue with it then they probably won’t even think about it. That means that you can’t even express your concerns with friends or family with the children around. You may not think so but children are always paying attention to their parents.
Get some counseling. If you think that he’s not hearing you, then neither of you are communicating. You must get those lines of communication open and keep them open. I used to think that people who got counseling BEFORE they got married were crazy. I figured that if they had problems before they got married there was no way it was going to last. Now I realize that they are the smart ones. I wish I’d done it. Before and during.
Anyway, it’s so long. Hope it helps.
Ben.
posted by
bigdog
on Nov 5, 2007 at 01:23 PM
olifieldtrash you sound like you are blaming your family for your drinking. I too married a broad with 4 kids, I have2.That makes a wife 6 kids 5 cats 2 dogs 2 birds a turtle and a fish.I guzzled beer to. All day long one right after the other. That being said, I did not drink for the reasons above. I drank because i was a drunk. an Alcoholic. take responsibility for your drinking and stop blaming others. And you say that drinking had little to do with your divorce. Man you live in la la land. Believe me no woman wants to be with a drunk.
posted by
oilfieldtrash72
on Nov 5, 2007 at 02:13 PM
Ok, I re-read. Yep it SOUNDS like I'm blaming them. Can't argue with that big dog. I'm a drunk. Feel better? I do. Thanks for making me see the light. posted by
olivia
on Nov 5, 2007 at 02:29 PM
LOL posted by
olivia
on Nov 5, 2007 at 02:30 PM
Bigdog, please don't call me broad.
posted by
bigdog
on Nov 5, 2007 at 02:33 PM
Oh well maybe I wasn't talking about you.
posted by
oilfieldtrash72
on Nov 5, 2007 at 02:35 PM
lol. I was wondering if the broad comment was gonna bother you.
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