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Colitas - > Just a Quote -> Hair Removal
Hair Removal

For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don't will never make this mistake.  Better go pee before you read this.

Hair Removal...

(I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A RIOT!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the  wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) 

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire 

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works !!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...
 

 

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posted by Colitas on Saturday, June 28, 2008 at 10:37 AM
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posted by countygirl on Jun 28, 2008 at 11:36 AM

LMAO! The things we do to try and look beautiful! I've tried these strips. I can totally relate to the ...............OMG I'm blind.....I'm blind statement!

posted by madkow2747 on Jun 28, 2008 at 12:31 PM

I've never tried anywhere but the eyebrows, and even that made my eyes water up.  I've learned you should never have any waxing done in a store in the mall unless you are ok with walking around red, swollen, and in pain.  Threading is way better anyway.

 

posted by countygirl on Jun 28, 2008 at 12:37 PM

I got my eyebrows waxed at the mall once. NEVER again.  I told her I wanted them cleaned up..................well she pretty much took them off!  I've never been a big fan of the reallllllllllllly thin eyebrow. People probably thought I was strange because I wore my sunglasses in the mall the rest of the time I was there. I was mortified. LOL Live and learn.

posted by Joty on Jun 28, 2008 at 12:46 PM

I had Miss Kitty waxed once...my eyes didn't just water - they shot out of my head. I'm also a firm NEVER AGAIN!!! 

posted by riceme on Jun 30, 2008 at 05:20 PM

Colitas: that's frikking hilarious... if it makes you feel any better, my girlfriend Jenny did the exact same thing to herself in the exact same locale. I tried to wax my gorilla-brows once, and have plucked ever since, shave the rest.

Off topic: I saw they finally ran your mom's obituary today... again, I am so sorry for your loss. I have never forgotten the day that they came to take you out of class for Darrel... I never will. 

Did you see that the Stebbins boys' dad passed as well? It seems like there's so much loss right now... very sad.

posted by Colitas on Jun 30, 2008 at 06:23 PM

Riceme, that day in class seems like a lifetime ago....hell, it was it was almost another "life" ago....things were never the same after that.  But if it wasn't for my experiences I wouldn't be the great, wonderful person I am today...lol.  Yeah, things are weird all over right with death and people getting bad news.  A good friend of mine is having surgery in about a week because they believe she has cancer (won't know 100% until they go in and take the mass out and test some nodes) and she is our age Riceme.  Shit in our class.  By the way how did your knee surgery go?

posted by riceme on Jun 30, 2008 at 06:58 PM

My surgery did not go well, but I don't have cancer, my knee just doesn't work. Here's the update I sent to my friends and family (copied and pasted):

My surgery did not go as expected. As you know, it was supposed to be an "exploratory" arthroscopic surgery to see what was really wrong since Dr. Turnage couldn't see anything in my x-rays or MRI's because of all of the stainless steel hardware in my knee and tibia. The surgery was supposed to take 15- to 20-minutes, but took 2-1/2 hours. Dr. Turnage said that if he had known how bad it was he would have had a second surgeon with him and he would have done it at the hospital instead of at the surgical center across from his office. He only intended to go in to see what was wrong on Thursday then schedule a surgery to fix it later, but he said it was so bad that it absolutely could not wait.
 
My ACL was completely torn loose from my tibia and it had taken pieces of bone with it that were floating freely in my knee joint. He had to anchor the ACL back to my tibia with a big staple-type thing by drilling a through-and-through hole in my tibia. The meniscus (cartilage) between my femur and the knee was completely destroyed and looked like someone had taken a filet knife and a cheese grater to it (I saw pictures of it and I almost threw up). There were dozens of pieces of loose cartilage and bone that were floating freely around in the knee joint. He replaced my ligaments and cartilage with cadaver and synthetic parts, but I don't remember which went where... I was pretty out of it. There is more, but that's all I can remember... he will tell me the rest again when I see him for my follow-up appointment on 1 July.


I am very lucky to have found such a great doctor for my second opinion... the official diagnosis of first orthopaedic surgeon I saw after my re-injury in mid-April was that I had "arthritis". Period. But basically I've been walking around on a chipped -- or broken -- tibia, with no ACL, and no femur-to-knee cartilage for over two months. Yes, I am very grateful that I sought a second opinion and that I found Dr. Turnage.

This was the "soft" version for my grandma and parents... reality is that it hurts like a son of a bitch and I cried for three days afterward wishing that someone had amputated my leg above my knee (for those of you who are about to throw barbs at me for that comment, I would advise against doing so. You don't know the extent of my original injury or how I was injured. You don't want to go there with me).

Colitas, email me privately about our classmate who is having surgery tomorrow. You should be able to send email to me via my Tehachapi News profile... it has changed since the last time we emailed.

posted by riceme on Jun 30, 2008 at 07:18 PM

My god, when WAS that?? I remember which classroom we were in, and exactly where everyone was sitting. I remember everyone who was there. But I've no clue what grade we were in... 2nd?? I guess it must have been Mrs. Beerline's class, right?

Nothing was ever the same after that... it changed everything for me, too. You have to remember that I had just lost my mom when I was four. This was loss on a totally different plane to me. Not that it compares to what you and your family went through (and still do), but it messed me up too.

posted by Colitas on Jun 30, 2008 at 07:53 PM

Naw, I was in 5th grade maybe 6th.  I always said 5th grade because I was 10, but he died in Oct which would have meant the new school had started already.  So that would have put me in 6th grade.  But I can't remember the teachers name.  Actually I don't really remember much of anything else that was going on during that time expect the death.  Wow, I can't remember anything about school expect getting cards/notes from the kids in class.  I think that's around the time or at least the same year we all went to Mountain Park for like a camp thing.  It could have been the year before.  Like I said, it's like a blank to me.  I'll try to email ya later.

posted by riceme on Jun 30, 2008 at 08:10 PM

Wow... we seemed so young in my memory of it all. So tiny... I guess we really were, just a skewed childhood memory. I don't even remember who I had for 5th or 6th grade teachers, and I don't remember the Mountain Park thing. I mean, I remember that it was planned, but I don't remember being there.

posted by Colitas on Jun 30, 2008 at 08:33 PM

Jeez, I thought it was just my memory that was bad...lol.  Glad to know it's not just me =)

posted by riceme on Jun 30, 2008 at 09:49 PM

No, we are actually getting old, girl!

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