Okay, here it goes...this is not going to be a feel good, happy post.  So for those of you who needs a little "up lift" today, this isn't for you.  I first want to start out by saying I understand people are just trying to help.  I understand that people are just being supportive.  I understand that some people don't know what to say...I get it.  I appreciate all this, I really do.  But this is what really is on my mind.  These are the words I really want to say.  These are the questions I really want to ask.  I have had grief in my life before...I have lost many people.  So maybe it's all catching  up to me, or maybe I just don't have that one person to talk to anymore...my mom.  This is what I have been told ( with all good intentions mind you).

"Things will get better, it'll just take time"---- Really!  How?   How can things be better. 

"She is in a better place now"--- Yeah, prove it.  I don't know that.  Who's to say what is better besides her.

"It was her time, she is better off now." --- It was huh?  How can that be?  There is no one in this world she loved more than her grand kids.  She wanted nothing more than to see them grow into men.  Or at least to graduate.  She will never see the youngest go to kindergarten, she will never here "I love you Granny" from the youngest.  She will never know his love or he hers. 

"She was ready to go" --- Again, really?!!  How do we know that?  She didn't say goodbye, she didn't say she was too tired, she didn't say she didn't want to fight anymore.  In fact to the contrary...she was still fighting.  She still had her mind, her humor, her zest.  She was alone, not surrounded by family, just a cold, unfamiliar, room.  How is that for the best?  How is that what she wanted?  My dad and I were literally 10 minutes late....did we let her down?

I know people have lost loved ones.  I know people have lost children, and that is a hurt that no one can know except the ones who know it.  I know others have it worse than me.  I just don't know if I did things right.  Did I fight hard enough?  Did I see her enough, even though I had my own family to take care of (I know she wouldn't had wanted me to neglect my own, but that doesn't give me much peace at heart.)  Did I make her proud?  Was she happy with the person that I became?  Did we do all we could do for her?  Did we make any decisions in haste?   There was so much that I still needed to learn from her.  There was so much I still wanted to do with her.  I know to be thankful for my kids, and my family.  I know that is what my  mom would want.  Life goes on, and I know this all too well.  I put on that mask and face the world.  I am still mom, wife, daughter, friend.  I can sit and hold my oldest and tell him how much "Granny" loved him and was soo damn proud of him. I can tell my youngest how she loved him and stories about her and him together.   I can keep her graveside "clean" and "tidy".  I can and will spend a lot of time with my dad and help him.  I know I am not the only one but frankly I don't give a damn right now.  Time will "heal", will it?  Will I heal, can I heal?

Hey why is that we can't comment on stories or news or obits anymore?  Does anyone know?