I think in a lot of relationships, the partners just sort of fall into their roles.  I doubt it's even discussed in many cases.  Gender doesn't matter- I know some men that would make far better stay-at-home parents than the women in the relationship.  If one of the partners does stay at home, then it just makes sense that they would take care of the majority of the domestic responsibilities.  After all, they're in the "domestic" domain a lot more.  And generally, if one partner is working and handling all the "grown-up details" (I think it's laughable how you phrased that!), the other is taking care of of the children and the home (not so simple).  The lines become much more blurred when both partners are working- thus why working married mothers tend to do more work than their husbands, although it's getting much better now that men have figured out that housekeeping is work they should participate in.

As for enforcing your expectations, you can't just punish your spouse.  It doesn't work that way in a healthy relationship.  In a good relationship, you work together- there is no "enforcer".

I agree with madkow.  The way you phrased things, this sounds more like a child/parent relationship than a marriage relationship.  If this truly is the way you view things, then I would suggest opening communication a bit more.  There should be no "enforcing," but the creation and cooperation of the roles should be done together.  All marriages should be a balanced partnership.

If you have one, I would suggest going together and talking to a trusted religious leader about it.  People often say that they can't afford therapy, but forget that there spiritual advisors can help with most things (and will help you find others for the things they can't help with).

Communication here is key! If either party is feeling overwhelmed it is best to speak up and let your needs be known. I think most couples do what works best for them and it just kind of falls into place like Madkow said. I know what works for my husband and I probably wouldn't work for most people. I am a SAHM. I am in charge of the house, paying bills, taking care of the kids. My husband doesn't have a "normal" schedule so there are things that I need to do with or without him. For instance I can't wait days for him to take out the trash or whatever else needs to be done. If a toilet gets backed up and he's working, I take care of it, if something breaks I try to fix it. On the other hand when he's home for a few days I feel like there is no reason he shouldn't help me around the house, and he does. Sometimes he cooks, does the grocery shopping, brings people to the doctor, etc. I'm not sure how long you've been married. My husband and I are going on 8 years this May. It took me a long time to figure out that he can't read my mind and if I need help I just need to ask. Heck, I still find myself thinking he should know what I need, but then I remind myself to ask and normally he's very willing to help. :)

I agree madkow, that it's not something that actually gets discussed and assigned like chores for small children...hence the reference to the "grown-up details." But how can one go about creating that unspoken "chore chart", if you will, when  both spouses believe they are doing their share, if not more than their share?     

Sometimes, as the relationship evolves it becomes obvious that one spouse is just much better equipped (sometimes drastically so) to deal with the finances and all the other necessary paperwork that just seems to come with being an adult in our society. But when that type of evolution leads to an extreme imbalance, it's no longer so "laughable."  Especially when children are involved. Personally, I believe childcare is THE most important job in the universe. And I agree that it is an exhaustive, 24/7 "job" - with phenomenal benefits. However, a working spouse still performs those same duties while bringing home the bacon, even if they're not exactly frying it up in the pan every single morning.     

You're also right that "enforcing" some degree of equality smacks of punishment, even if it is on some subconscious level, and that just leads to more....frustration. And expensive therapy!   

So I guess the next question, is how do you go about creating balance from a completely lopsided equation, especially when you bear at least 50% of the responsibility for allowing things to become so inequitable in the first place? I think this is referred to as "enabling." So what's an enabler to do?      

On the bright side, I did find this helpful link to a site that deals with intimacy issues: http://theartofintimacy.blo...

I think some couples just naturally fall into certain roles over time, and take on duties out of necessity.  Take my poor husband, for example.  We've been married almost 18 years, and I'm ashamed to say he'd never eat a home-cooked meal if he didn't make it himself.  Domestic Diva, I am not.

It isn't bad to sit down and talk about certain things that each partner should do.  In fact, it would mean that you're communicating!  Like Countygirl said, you gotta speak up!  The only problem would be if the other partner is unwilling to listen- but you can ease that quite a bit by keeping a discussion positive (no nagging, no ultimatums).  And also remember that working moms may perform the same duties as a SAHM, but (1) they are less burdened with child care via daycare/babysitting and (2) they are stressed to all hell because they still have so much to do all the time.  You can't expect Wonderwoman/Heman...

If you married someone, you should know their housekeeping preferences beforehand.  So you should know what to expect.  Did you go into this thinking the other party would change their ways?  What's an enabler to do?  Answer: Tough Love!  Just remember to respect them (not treat them like a child or condescendingly), but maybe help them get used to taking on more tasks by helping to write schedules or lists.  Keep it positive, goal-oriented, and remember that you are both working for the both of you!

I'm reading a bit between the lines with your posts, TweedleDD, so if I make some connections that aren't there I apologize in advance.

If I understand your POV, you feel "much better equipped" to handle the finances in your relationship. I assume you earn the bulk of the money in your household. Now, correct me if I'm wrong but just about anyone can learn to handle a monthly budget. Even if it just starts out at a couple of hundred per month, your spouse can be responsible for incidental utility bills & market necessities, for example. Anything left over at the end of the month is theirs to spend as they see fit. Start out slow & easy, & then introduce new budget goals & financial responsibilities over time. I think your spouse should have their own bank account.

In my 25 year marriage, we have always maintained our own accounts. As our budgets & incomes have changed over the years, so have our responsibilities. Sometimes it just falls into place, & sometimes we have to sit down & redistribute things. As far as things like tax records & the like are concerned, I agree that it's best for one person to handle the bulk of those issues. But the spouse can still be taught the basics of receipt documentation & the like.

As far is the distribution of household duties goes, it takes a long time to realize the different backgrounds we have & how that contributes to expectations. My rule has become: if I don't like the way something is being handled, I need to step up to the plate & do it myself (or just shut up about it.) One area in my life comes to mind; yardwork. My family always left the bulk of that kind of labor to the men of the family - my father & brothers. It bugged the heck out of me that my hubby refused to notice the tall grass & weeds overtaking our yards. I was embarrassed & frustrated, since it seemed nothing I said would make him budge & take over the responsibility of mowing the lawn! Finally, I had an epiphany. Nothing was going to change unless I took charge. Within a week I had a yard service hired & the lawns looking the best they had in months. At first I presented my hubby with a card & a note saying "Happy B-Day, here's your gift!", but he soon took over the responsibility of paying the crew. At $50/ month, it was the solution I had been struggling for years to find.

All I'll add is this: maybe doing the laundry once/week instead of every other day is enough. Maybe a lazy day every once in awhile is okay, instead of focusing on swept floors & dusted tabletops as a necessary daily routine toward Nirvana.

And maybe I'm way off-base in the way I'm reading your query...

I'm not sure it's best for everyone to keep their own bank accounts when they're married.  (Obviously, different things work for different people, so I certainly can't say it's wrong.)  But it's very easy to get caught up in "you pay this, I pay that" drama which have have a deleterious effect on a marriage.

I do however really agree with the "if you don't like how they're doing it, then do it yourself".  I do that with my husband all the time, and it either gets done to my liking or I learn to keep my mouth shut next time ;)

I think alot of our expectations come from our past, how we were raised, what our standards are of a 'clean' house etc. With my husband and I, we are newlyweds still, but we never discussed who would be responsible for what and like alot of people said, it just kinds of falls into place.

It makes perfect sense to me that if there is an individual that is stay-at-home that they be responsible for the household/domestic duties. In my situation I can't work until my immigration process has travelled it's course so I do the cooking/laundry/house keeping/bill paying/planning/yard work etc . I'm sure feminists will scream in horror, but I do like that traditional idea of the man being the bread winner and the woman tending to everything else.

As for bank accounts, I think it's important for couples to be able to manage joint finances but smart to also keep one account in your name alone.  I've seen too many bitter divorces I suppose and have that just incase, 1 in a million, better safe than sorry approach.

Communication is definately the key, especially if you are the one that is left feeling like the weight is being carried solely on your shoulders. Those kind of emotions will end up eating at you causing a great deal of resentment towards the other person.

When someone speaks of "grown up details", "assign(ing) ... responsibilities", and "enforcing .... expectations", there is a much greater problem than who does the laundry.  Someone is feeling unappreciated.  Perhaps there is an assumption that money = power in a marriage.  Wrong.  We live in a society where steroid-pumping athletes get millions and schoolteachers get peanuts, but that backwards set of values has no place in a marriage.  Mowing the lawn has as much value as vacuuming the carpet and paying the mortgage has as much value as teaching your child right from wrong.  I'll throw in an "Annie's Mailbox" moment and suggest counseling for the writer first and then for the couple.  

Wouldn't it be a better world if no one "expected" anything from each other?

Is it really reasonable to have expectations of each other? Perfect case: My niece's former husband fell in love with my niece, a wild child, independent, funny - refused to be put in a box. They married and suddenly my niece, the same person he fell in love with, was not meeting his "expectations" as a wife and mother. He was setting standards based on his parent's marriage...a non-perfect union 1950's style. My niece refused to be Mrs. Cleaver. She is now a single mom of 3, but her spirit wasn't destroyed, thank god.

Funny, once upon a time my DH was the main wage-earner, while I brought in much less money. I paid the bills, cleaned the house, took care of the (step)kids, did laundry and all of the cooking and shopping. He took care of the yard (a smallish one) and cleaned the pool. On occasion he would complain about the house not being clean enough, or the food being uninspired or that we were being wasteful with our energy costs "running stuff all day long."

Fast forward about 6 years: DH was laid off and I am now the only wage earner. He now cleans, cooks does laundry and shops for groceries. The other thing he does? Apologize every so often. He remembers some of the criticisms he used to level at me, and now that it's on his shoulders realizes that it's not all beer and skittles.

Sort of worked out for us in the end.

Beer and skittles! Woo hoo! Now I gotta git home and get me some, Weebles!

Ironically, my situation seems to have a lot in common with Weebles and TweeldDD.  Is there a hidden camera here somewhere? Did I blindly sign up for some reality show when I clicked the "free laptop" icon? If so, I sure hope the cameraperson takes a break when I git home, strip down to my chonies and scratch myself while my little feller runs to git me that cold beer and sum Skittles, cuz ah'm tarrred at the end of my workin day! Those chil'ren better have their chores done too or I'll open up a can of whuupp...well  you git the piktcher...

Seriously, as the only working partner in my relationship, I've felt unappreciated, frustrated and just plain overwhelmed at times. The ONLY thing that helps, is to be clear about what really is expected from your partner. Especially if that partner is a man. Sorry guys,  but it's the truth. Be expicit: "Please take out the trash when you have a moment today." Make short statements, not long monologues — and never wait for an immediate response or action. Try this: "I would really appreciate it if you could help out with the laundry before the weekend so we can enjoy some time together." Or, "Since I'm spending all of my days off cleaning the house, paying bills and watching the kids I see so little during the week, I would really be greatful if when you're done golfing (fishing, bowling, etc!) could you please..."

Get up off the freakin' couch! No, really...Seriously, (constant) positive reinforcement and the power of suggestion goes a long way! That and some clear heels and 'hootchie mama' clothes are sure to get the attention of even the least motivated individual to perform whatever task you should oh-so-sweetly request.

Let me know how it works for you TweedleDD. My beer's gettin' warm.       

...Mowing the lawn has as much value as vacuuming the carpet and paying the mortgage has as much value as teaching your child right from wrong.  I'll throw in an "Annie's Mailbox" moment and suggest counseling for the writer first and then for the couple. 

I agree wholeheartedly TK. If only any one of those things you mentioned were being performed by anyone else besides me.    

...Now, correct me if I'm wrong but just about anyone can learn to handle a monthly budget.

Once upon a time, I belived that to be true also oochild. That was before the many failed attempts to share some of the financial duties. Without exaggeration, I could give my spouse a $100 and a list of all the things that money needs to provide, along with a date before more funds become available and within 20 minutes, $250 will be spent. 

...Like Countygirl said, you gotta speak up!  The only problem would be if the other partner is unwilling to listen- but you can ease that quite a bit by keeping a discussion positive (no nagging, no ultimatums). 

   Thanks madkow and countygirl, I'm working on this approach, but it just destroys me when I initiate a conversation about the things that have to get done somehow, and my spouse screams and yells and storms off with nothing accomplished but elevated resentment and bloodpressure.  

 ...this sounds more like a child/parent relationship than a marriage...

Actually christibdce, this about the most accurate assessment of how I feel yet. 

...(constant) positive reinforcement and the power of suggestion goes a long way! That and some clear heels and 'hootchie mama' clothes are sure to get the attention of even the least motivated individual...   

Thank you sushisoo for the sheer entertainment, but I believe that's exactly how I got in this situation in the first place!

Thanks to everyone for sharing your suggestions and perspectives. I'd love to hear some more...Happy Valentine's Day.

I used to tell my husband 2 things...Honeypie, could you empty the trash?  To which he would raise one of his eyebrows and continue watching TV, then I would say--No problem--my next husband will do it.  Another was that if we ever got divorced, I would make a stipulation in the divorce decree that he still had to come over and empty the trash every day!  It became a joke between us. He was actually very good about helping around the house and I used to thank his mother for that.  She taught him he had to help around the house if both parents were working.  So to all those parents with young boys--teach them to do laundry, vacuum, cook and clean when they are young as when they are married it is too late to do that "training". 

And if he was still alive, he would have been 51 today!!!! And his sister turned 50 today...they were born one year apart on Valentines Day....his parents must have been punctual... ; )