It wouldn’t have gotten the attention of the local media as one of our deputies having to shoot a dog mauling him, but a dear friend here in Bodfish was attacked by a turkey the other day. Of course, some will think about that rabbit threatening Jimmy Carter, nevertheless anyone that knows anything about Nature red in tooth and claw knows there is always the unexpected. And when it comes to critters they are full of surprises, and this includes turkeys. Alfred Hitchcock would have had fun with that.

As my friend explained it, she was walking up the street to visit a neighbor when from out of nowhere this large turkey suddenly attacked, pecking her so badly it left bruises. Anyone with experience around these large birds knows they are capable of inflicting some damage, but you don’t expect one to suddenly appear on a residential street and attack you. Some of us have experienced what geese can do in such a manner, but such incidents usually occur in a barnyard.

Come to find out, the turkey belonged to someone living down the block that also had chickens, but keeping such livestock in my friend’s neighborhood is not permitted by law. Nevertheless, the fellow had them. A can of pepper spray would have come in handy, but why should anyone walking on a residential street expect a turkey to attack them? Dogs yes, but a turkey? Just goes to show, you simply never know how to prepare for everything. I suppose you would be wearing body armor and carrying a machine gun these days “just in case;” but while the law may be lax when it comes to having turkeys not so with machine guns. In fact, many places prohibit even carrying a can of pepper spray.

But some years ago my grandfather shot a bobcat in his backyard. This would not be so remarkable had he not been living in Redondo Beach at the time. For those of you familiar with the good old South Bay of SoCal, you know firing off guns there is generally frowned upon; but so are bobcats in that location. As it turned out, someone thought it was keen to have a “pet” bobcat; and one night it wound up in grandad’s chicken coop. And yes, he wasn’t supposed to be keeping chickens; but hearing the disturbance grandad went out gun in hand, and seeing the bobcat in his chicken coop plugged the critter between the headlights.

The neighbor was somewhat bent by grandad shooting his pet bobcat, but with grandad having proven his ability and willingness to shoot wasn’t inclined to press too hard. But this left the cops, who had been called because of neighbors hearing the gunshot, with a tough case. As it turned out, the boys were smart enough to let it go. The guy should never have had a bobcat and grandad shouldn’t have had chickens, and he shouldn’t have been shooting a gun in his backyard. But sometimes, when the police are left to their own discretion a sense of fair play prevails; and none of them wanted to face the pile of paperwork that would ensue.

Well, life in the country here in the Kern River Valley can get interesting at times. The turkey incident called to mind the time I was awakened just before dawn by something trouncing on my roof. It turned out to be a marauding flock (11) of peacocks. What to do? By the time I had contacted the various agencies concerning the problem I wasn’t sure whether I was going to be arrested for making a crank peacock call. Fortunately for me, in about three days the flock disappeared; I figured they had gone back to San Francisco or some other likely location. But not even Animal Control would tell me if peacocks migrated in such a fashion, and when I asked whether they were good eatin’ I was sternly warned against shooting the critters.

Anyhow, the story was so good by the time I finished writing about it that it was featured with a full page spread in the Kern Valley Sun complete with colorful peacock pictures, though I’m still not sure whether the local deputies and those at Animal Control do not continue to view me with suspicion as the guy that makes crank peacock calls. But if you don’t think peacocks can be a problem, you have never heard one of these critters go off like the demonical shriek of a dozen cats with their tails trod on!

I do recall thinking about peacock repellant at the time; was there such a thing on the market? Alas, after the peacocks left of their own volition, whether to NBC or San Francisco, I didn’t think about it any further. But the turkey attacking my friend called this to mind once more. And then I also remembered the “Mormon Repellant.”

A high school student of mine years ago was a talented artist; and he was given to drawing cartoon features much like the Chick booklets favored by Christian Fundamentalists. One strip he drew showed a man running off some Mormons with a spray can of Mormon Repellant. It was supposed to do good service with JW’s as well or any other funny book peddlers disturbing people in their homes. But my calling his attention to such a thing being a tad overzealous the young fellow realized such cartooning was in poor taste and repented of his wickedness, nevertheless the thought of such repellant remained with me.

Carrying the thought further, wouldn’t a can of politician repellant be kind of neat? Of course, the ideal would be having such repellant that would work by simply spraying it at your TV screen; but not even SciFi has progressed to that ideal as yet. In the meantime, there is still an attack turkey out there to contend with, and I’m not sure what will come of that. However, if it chances to wind up in my backyard, well, I’m not sure about peacocks but I know turkeys are good eatin’ and I’m still pretty handy with my Beretta.