No one should let someone else hurt them. Especially someone who claims to love them.

Right you are weebles!

I'm very glad you posted this!  My sister works with victims of DV and she is frequently frustrated by women (or occasionally men) not recognizing the abuse they are enduring and not knowing that they can do something to change it.  And even when they leave the relationship, they still suffer for a long time afterward (everything from stalking to depression and subsequent abusive relationships).  The stories she tells me are scary.  I talked to a woman a couple months ago who described the classic signs of DV, but no matter what I said to her, she insisted it was better that she stayed with her fiancee.  It's so hard to get sense into some people's heads!

I hope that just one victim sees this blog and is at that point where they can say, "That's enough!  I'm not going to take this any more."  While working with the victim's is frustrating it is also rewarding when you see the light in their eyes that tells you they've just realized that they have value as a human being and they realize they don't deserve to be hit.

The hardest thing to get across to vitims is that everyone, including them, has a right to live a violence free life, not to be belittled and not to be terrorized.  Quite often the victims come from homes where this behavior was tolerated and they have a built in philosophy that violent behavior is OK.  Unfortunately this puts the victims at a disadvantage in life from the beginning.

We need to stand up as a community and state that we will not tolerate domestic violence because the children involved carry this into their lives and back into our communities.  The feelings of security that these little ones are entitled to are wiped out leaving another generation with emotional problems.

I am responding to this post because I am hoping that if one person sees my story.  They will understand how badly this can get.  Believe me when I say, I know how badly DV can get and this will probably be a long "comment"

Why did I stay in an abusive relationship for 20 years?  I loved him.  I thought he loved me.  I had hopes that he would change because I believed him when he cried and apologized and beat himself up over it.  I thought I knew him.  I had this fantasy made up in my mind that I knew what he "was really like on the inside".  I call it a fantasy, because that's exactly what it was. 

I finally did figured out what he really was like on the inside.  He was mean and abusive and he took advantage of anyone he felt was weaker than him.  I'm hoping that the system is better at handling these people.  He broke my nose in 1989, naturally, I had to go the hospital.  He dropped me off at the hospital and before I got out of the car, he asked me what I was going to tell them.  I told him I was going to tell them the truth. And I did.  He was arrested and went to jail.  On his court day, the judge apparantly took a break from court to give me a call at home to ask if I wanted this man to come home.  Stupid me, I was stunned and I said OK.  Stupid Judge. 

My ex husband was sentenced to domestic abuse classes, which I attended with him.  I was again completely stunned.  These "classes" consisted of a bunch of men sitting around shooting the breeze.  They were uncomfortable.  The Counselor of the group was clearly just as uncomfortable, under qualified and abuse was never touched on for any length of time.  I'm hoping this type of class is not the norm.

After that incident, I called the Sherrif every single time things began to escalate.  He never hit me again.  But then the verbal and emotional abuse got so bad that I sometimes wish he would have hit me.

When my youngest son turned 5 and started Kindergarden, I got a job and I left him. That was 8 years ago.  I met "Bigdog" bless his soul.  He put up with a lot from this man in the beginning.  And he also helped me through the restraining orders and the divorce.  . My ex would call me at all hours of the day and night.  20-30 calls a day. They finally arrested  him for Being under the influence and he did some County Jail time.  He wasn't out long before he started making threats to me and my "now" husband.  Apparantly, he had told his landlord that he had a gun and he was going to kill me.  The Sherrif called me at work to tell me this.  I finally had to get a tap on my phone so that the sherrif could figure out where he was.  He was in Porterville, 100 miles from here, calling me acting like he was here in town.  Sherrif Maxwell, if anyone knows him is my Hero.  When he could have just called the Sherrif in Porterville to pick this man up, Sherrif Maxwell went to Porterville to the house the calls were made from and chased my ex down and arrested him.  He spent 3 years in prison for terrorist threats.  When he got out this last time, he would come to my house and pick up my son for visitation.and take him out to the country "shooting".  My son came home with pictures of my ex husband holding a shotgun, and of my son target practicing.  As soon as I found out he was using again.  I called the sherrif and had him arresting for possession of a firearm.  This time he received a 4 year sentence and is still in prison.  I dread when he gets out next year.  My life which is more than I could have ever imagined will be filled with torment again having to deal with this man.

These men have a way of making you feel like they would be nothing without you.  Things start with belittling, making you unsure of yourself, I've been pushed, kicked, my hair pulled out of my head by the roots, two broken eardrums, a broken arm, a broken nose.  I have problems still today, when my husband gets angry.  I get scared, I over react and I start wondering around the house a nervous wreck. 

If a man ever hits you, he will hit you again.  Real men don't hit women.  As much as they may want to at time, a real man knows his strength over you and wouldn't want to hurt you.

I can't even go into the damage it has caused my girls and my son.  I'm so ashamed of myself for staying around having a "stupid, irrational, sick kind of hope" in this man.  If you think you are being abused, if you know you are being abused, don't hang around thinking this will change, it won't, it's a part of the abusers nature.  No different than any other sick minded person.

And.....I guess that's about all I have to say about that.  Sorry for the length.

Olivia, you have done more by telling your story than I could have in a lifetime.   Believe me, there is a woman out there who will recogize herself in your story and she will get out. 

I am thankful and grateful that you made it out alive and that you found bigdog.  You have grown so much from where you were to have found a relationship without abuse.  You have courage and strength now and you are getting stronger every day.  Thank you for telling your experiences.

And even when they leave the relationship, they still suffer for a long time afterwards.

Yes madkow you are right. Victims of Domestic Abuse do live with the effects of the Abuse. Olivia is in bed and I thought that I would say a few things.I love my wife and I would do anything for her.That being said my wife suffers from post dramatic stress disorder from all the years of Abuse that she endued from her x-husband.I know this because I see It first hand. Olivia doesn't respond well to sudden out burst of anger and yelling. She goes into a defensive mode. She may recoil and withdraw into her room and not want to be bothered for a while until she can confirm to herself that every thing is OK. OR she comes out defensive. Now the reason I know this is because my first reaction to something that pisses me off is often an out burst that last only a minute or so and then I get my composer. During an out burst or what my old lady refers to as a baby fit I yell a few choice words and stomp my feet and if I have something in my hand then that thing most likely will get slammed onto the table. I get mad then I get over it and I move on. Well Its taken me a long time to realize  that just because I'm over my baby fit and I moved on doesn't mean Olivia's has moved on.I would go up to her and she would be all tensed up sometimes shaking and have a almost angry look about her. I would ask her what was wrong not thinking that my out burst of anger would put her right back in the Abuse that her x-husband handed her. Sometimes it would take Olivia a day or more before she was comfortable enough to be her self. We have been together for 8 years now and I do wish that I could say that I never throw baby fits any more but every once in a while I'll get upset and yell and slam something down.And Olivia will get all freaked out and I now know that my actions cause her reaction. I know that I am not the cause of her PD SD. But If my actions are making her relive that abuse then the right thing for me to do Is not make my wife relive the Abuse. I  need to remember that my actions effect my wife. I don't really know why I have said all this other then to let my wife know that I know the PD SD is real and that I'll make you this vow that I'll do my best to think of you before I throw another baby fit. DV comes in many forms. I LOVE YOU OLIVIA

I really appreciate hearing from both of you Olivia and Bigdog!  It's very courageous to share your experiences with us!  Olivia, you've got quite a good catch there.  And Bigdog, I'm sure Olivia really appreciates your understanding and caring.

My husband throws "baby fits" too.  It used to scare me a little, because I never knew anyone that yelled before.  But he just yells for a minute, and then he's perfectly fine.  I'm used to it now, and he's trying to work on it because he doesn't want to pass that on to our son.  Of course, I think I picked up a little of it myself- I'll stomp my feet and growl a little when I get frustrated.  But I consider it to be therapeutic ;)

I believe too that no one should touch another in anger.  Please understand that not all abusive cases are caused by men.  I have a co-worker that finally got out of an abusive marriage.  He is 6'3" and 160lbs.  His wife was 6'1" and 240.  She was physically abusive and would strike him with objects causing physical harm.  When I pulled him aside one day to ask why he had a cut on his forehead, he explaied that his wife had punched him in the back of the head while he was walking out the door to work.  He hit the door jamb, which caused the cut in his forehead.  This was only one example of the constant abuse.  I told him that just because she was a woman, domestic violence is a crime and she should be punished for it.  He was ashamed that a woman abused him and would not report her.  Finally, he left her and has begun to re-establish his life...

Wow, bigdog, I told olivia she had a good with you.  You inspire sometimes.  I am not proud of this but I thought I should share.  When I married my husband I thought I was "healed".  I had worked on myself for many years trying to understand.  Well I thought I had "grown" as a human being and individual.  My past was my past and I am a new and improved person.  I no longer deal with stress with anger but work it out on practical stand point.  Well, it was very stressful how we got married.  Then we decided to move 4 states away with no emotional support.  We were living in a converted two car garage with two other adults and two huge dogs.  Well, I found out quickly that although I loved my husband and found someone that excepted me for me, he brought out the worse in me.  All that anger came back.  All the coping skills that I had so proudly learned went out the window when we fought.  Well, one day it got real bad and to tell you the truth it is all a bit fuzzy.  But he had thrown my cell, busted it, threatened to leave, I told him to go ahead and he preceded to take shit that wasn't his.  Now my husband is a foot taller than me and out weighs me about 110lbs.  Well I wasn't going to have any of that and he had grabbed and pushed me or yanked me away from the doorway I was trying to block.  (later I had bruises on my arms).  Well, next thing I knew I have .38 drawn on him.  All my years of previous abuse came crashing down in one instance.  Damn it I wasn't going to let anyone abuse me ever again.  So their I was, 4 states away from any true help, holding a gun on my husband that I just married 4 months prior.  What has happened?  What am I doing?  Luckily, I just turned around and walked away.  Took a walk and cooled my head.  I was very thankful that my son was still in Cali with his grandparents.  I am still with my husband and happy to say that we still have our moments of disagreements but never has escalated to that extreme.  I know the signs of abuse and I know what abusers will say, but husband had no idea that he grabbed me hard enough to leave bruises and what reaction would result it that.  We have been married for 3 yrs now, and it's better every day.  Sometimes we had to take "time-outs" like children but we were acting like children.  We haven't had a time-out or even walked away from a argument (we call them discussion's now.  We don't raise our voices anymore, if start to we just take a deep breathe and wait a moment) in over 2 years.  I felt I need to share this story because sometimes the rage someone has inside them (even if they don't think it's there) can pop out and change your life forever.  I was lucky.  I didn't act completely upon but it was close enough to scare the hell out of me and made realize the I wasn't as "healed" as I thought I was.

I love you bigdog, thank you for the comment.  It really means a lot to me that you understand me and don't try to write things off as "nuts".

Colitas....I"m tellin' ya!!  I used to own a .38.  My ex sold it for reasons that could take up another page.  And bigdog.....well I don't think he would allow me to have one.   : {

You know, talking about this kind of stuff is still humiliating.  My sister has been married 25 years now.  I told her one day, "you know, life can be so much better, and if you ever need me or somewhere to go I'm here 24/7."  I would move her and her kids in with me at the drop of a hat.  Even if it were only for a day or two, it would be a start for her.

Bigdog, you freak.....It's PTSD,  traumatic, not dramatic.  LOL.  I'm in TRAUMA!!!!  Sometimes maybe DRAMA!!!  Your'e so funny.

I'll have to show the girls this one so they can give you a hard time.  LOL.  I do love you for the words of understanding though.

Its great to see an article after 20 years of Awareness Months that leaves out the gender attachments to abuse victim discussion. And its great to see children mentioned as abse victims too. Now if we could just get the Violence Against Women Act changed to  provide support for men and children too we would be well on our way to getting the government inciting violence out of the picture.