Empty Words - Just a Quote - Colitas's Blog - Tehachapi News

Jul 9, 2008 at 10:07 AM : Dear Colitas, I...

Dear Colitas, I approach this with much trepidation. Most of those comments that you mention really are true. It seems to me that you are still mired in the grief of the loss, and it's simply not very easy to be clear headed at such times. It took me six years before I came to terms with my father's loss, though I was much younger then. While my mother's loss was not any 'easier' I did at least handle it better. Things will get better, but it will take time, it ain't gonna happen overnight. And when you're in the middle of a long dark tunnel, sometimes it's not possible to see the end at all, or even to think that there is an end! All you can do is take things one day at a time, and little by little you will be able to work through this. If you can take your regrets and turn them into something positive, then suddenly the regret will fade away! Learn from the regrets, learn from the experience and you will become a better person, how can anyone regret that?! Take care Colitas, I hope this helps.

Jul 9, 2008 at 10:07 AM : I forgot to add one...

I forgot to add one more thing Colitas, please don't be so hard on yourself. Your emotions and your mind are swirling about and it's easy to second guess, but you are doing everything you can do. Would your mother want you to beat yourself up over this, or would she be understanding? Sometimes people will treat themselves much worse than they would treat another person in the same situation. I'm guilty of it, my wife is guilty of it, but we try to be aware of it. When my wife does it to herself, I ask her if she would treat someone else the same way she is treating herself, and the answer is always a big NO!

Jul 9, 2008 at 11:07 AM : My mom...

My mom passed almost ten years ago and there isn't a day that I don't miss her and think of her... and that, to me, is her legacy... she is still in my heart. The first weeks & months are the worst.. you will be overcome by waves of despair and tears and need to cry it out.. the waves come out of nowhere. Then there are moments of peace... you might even feel guilty about feeling OK and even laughing at a joke when you think you should be feeling sad. Emotions will hit all four walls, the floor and ceiling all in the same day.. normal. Grief is a process.. no two people handle it alike, but you need to let it happen and to indulge whatever feeling you are having. After almost ten years I can assure you that time does lessen the pain...

Jul 9, 2008 at 12:07 PM : Colitas, I know how...

Colitas, I know how you feel. My mom passed away in 2001 and does it get any easier? No, it never does. She had cancer and suffered and not a day goes by that I don't remember that. Nothing anyone says can make that part feel any better. I have always felt guilt about not being there, not saying this or that, being mean when I should have been understanding. And I can't ever change or take back what was said or done, or even not said or done. I remember her telling me once that there was so much left she still wanted to do. That broke my heart and still does. She left so much undone and believe me, she did a lot in her life. My anger still exists over why she had to go when she did, why my kids won't grow up knowing what a beautiful person she was and my infinite lack of being able to express to them what a ray of sunshine she was in a world that is often overcast. I'm not a religious person, so telling me she's in a better place or with God or at peace doesn't really make me feel better. I just question the fact that if there is a god, what did he need with my mom when there are so many other people here that need her worse? The only thing that makes me feel better is what I was recently reminded of by a friend: I had her in my life for 24 years, which is much more than some people ever have. I cannot imagine growing up without a mom, without having learned all the things I did from my mom, to not have known the kind of love she gave me for as long as she did give it to me. I find comfort in that and remember how lucky and blessed I am to have known her. And last, but not least, she helped make me what I am. I have to honor the work she put into me by being a good person and a good parent. If I think like that, she's no longer someone that just passed away. I am an extension of what she was, what she stood for and what she held dear, and she only lives on thru me and the memories I have and share with others.

Jul 9, 2008 at 01:07 PM : Speaking from a...

Speaking from a "mom's point of view"......and you know this too Colitas, because you are a mom.

She loved you...more than life itself. She was proud of you, she was you mom. She forgives everything you've ever done, said or felt, she was your mom.

Why do these things happen? They just do. Some people see more of it than others and those are people that are the strongest and most loving. That's what I have witnessed.

My dad died a few years ago, and never in a million years would I have thought that this was ever going to be OK. It is Ok today.

She will live in your heart forever, you'll never have to worry about her again and you can keep loving her just as you do right now. People's words can sometimes just feel like words. It's absolutely ok for you to miss her like crazy. She was your mom, you are entitled to this. For as long as it takes, you keep on missing her.

Jul 9, 2008 at 02:07 PM : Colitas, I know...

Colitas, I know exactly what you are saying. I got tired of hearing all of that I am sorry for your loss and so on... What I got tired of was hearing " If there is anything I can do please let me know". The loss of a Mother has to be one of the most tragic things a child can go through. I would do anything to have my Mom back with us even for just a brief moment but I know that is not possible. A short 6 weeks after losing my Mom I lost my Grandma also and shortly after that my Step Grandpa, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought my entire world died with them. In time it does get a little easier but there is still that pain and missing them, I don't think that will ever go away.

I have put alot of blame on myself for the loss of my Mom and my Grandma, which is sorta silly but in my mind it is not. When both of them were dieing I knew it, I sensed it and I was right about it both of them. I sat there with them and prayed to God that he would take them now and not allow them to suffer and God answered my prayers and I feel like I caused it to happen. Sounds silly doesn't it? But it is stuck in the back of mind and I don't know how to unstick that.

But with all said Colitas I understand exactly what you are going through and how you feel and if you ever need someone to talk to you have my email address and I can give you my home and cell number, you can call anytime, I mean that..

Christi

Jul 9, 2008 at 03:07 PM : Not wanting a loved...

Not wanting a loved one to suffer is not a bad thing. When my dad was dying, the nurse kept coming in to suction his lungs. After about the 3rd time, I asked her to just leave him alone. She gave him another shot, and quietly left me, my brother and my father alone. He passed away about 1/2 hour later. I've never regretted that decision. My brother and I knew from that point, he was going to die and I held him while he took his last breath. I would not change anything about that day. I knew at that moment he was at peace, he knew I loved him and all was well.

Jul 9, 2008 at 06:07 PM : People say those...

People say those things because no one ever knows what to say at a time like that. Colitas, yes, in time you will heal and be left with your happy memories. And you know she didn't choose to go. My mother did. She's been gone for 14 years and not a day goes by that I don't ask my self, what did I do to make her want to leave me? What could I have done differently? Would it have mattered? And what do you think people said to me afterwards? "I'm so sorry, but why would she do that?" "How could she do that?" "Oh, was she depressed?"

And looking at me as though I had the answer...

Jul 9, 2008 at 07:07 PM : One of the stages of...

One of the stages of grieving is anger at yourself, at others, and at the deceased loved one for leaving you. Don't try to avoid it. Give in to it because it's normal to feel that way. Another stage is to start feeling guilty, telling yourself, "if only I did this" or "If I had not done that". Take your time and work through each stage. There are about 7, I think. There will be lots of sliding back and forth from one stage to another. Just go with where ever your emotions take you. You have to work through them all in order to come out the other side a whole person again.

Comments that helped me a lot when my father died were statements such as, "I cannot imagine how devasted you must feel." Another was, "What can I do to help?" When I try to comfort a friend, I'll do something such as taking the kids off for an afternoon or cleaning their house or car for them. Going grocery shopping or taking the kids to and from school. Mostly, I just let them talk it out while I provide the ear to listen and the shoulder to cry on.

There is so little that will ease the sharpness of the pain when a loved one dies. There is just the comfort of knowing that, in time, the sharpness eases even though the pain never goes away. Time is the only thing that really helps.

I do know how your feel. Don't be surprised if you do strange things or act in ways that make no sense. it's as though you are going through a mini-nervous breakdown. Don't make excuses for yourself. Just let it happen, knowing that it will pass with time. Be patient with yourself and your family. Let them know that grief takes many forms. Let them know they are normal feelings.

Jul 10, 2008 at 08:07 AM : It doesn’t...

It doesn’t matter what you say

It won’t kill the pain, nor bring back the love that’s now passed away

Mortal language cannot express what the living are not meant to know

Empty words are inadequate to cast away fears and lighten dark sorrows

Love is the cure that heals, not time

So forgive me if I don’t count your tomorrows until I leave mourning behind

____________________

With Love, for Colitas. Just love.

Jul 10, 2008 at 09:07 AM : It's pretty...

It's pretty normal to go through this angry stage, Colitas, and those closest to you seem to be the easiest targets. Go ahead and feel angry, just try not to take it out on the wrong people.

Some people react to tragedy by trying to be the "fixers." They'll offer help or advice, or sometimes they'll just show up one day & doing something "useful" for you & your family. They may not show their sympathy or pain, but that's just 'cause they don't know how. They really can't talk about the deep stuff, so they just echo what they hear others say at times like this.

You'll take just the amount of time you need to get through this. Let others help however they can. They do care.

Jul 10, 2008 at 09:07 AM : Thank you...

Thank you all. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and that is a trait I don't like don't do often. I was right to post (I almost deleted right after I posted) because of the whole "poor me" thing. I am tired, so flipping tired of being strong. I don't have to see any of you face to face which is a safety zone for me. I do have say that reading your comments (each and every one of them) I found tears streaming down my face. I didn't even realized until I felt wetness on my hands. I assume this is good. Sushioo, thank you . I will be reading that daily.

Jul 12, 2008 at 08:07 AM : I thought this was...

I thought this was this was a nice coincidence. Like I said before I haven't expressed myself anyone except to you all, so I found this kind of neat. I posted this blog on the 9th. I received this card from my MIL on the 10th. Kind of cool.

Jul 12, 2008 at 11:07 AM : Wow, that gave...

Wow, that gave me chills...and it is so right on!

Jul 12, 2008 at 11:07 AM : Colitas, I...

Colitas, I think you are right ,a lot of what people say to you when you have lost a loved one IS CRAP. However, they say it because they love you, they want you to feel better, they want to help ease your pain. So all this crap you have been hearing lately is just caring people saying what they can, some thinking it to be true, ALL thinking it will help you. Yes, it's all crap, but there is love and good intentions behind all the crap.

Whatever process you have to go through to help you through this pain,you are already doing. Get angry, write, remember, cry and then get angry again. I'm sorry for your loss Colitas, it SUCKS. At times like this you may feel you didn't do enough for your mom, we all go through this, it's normal...... By what i an see from the letter above, I think you did just fine and your mother knew you loved her.

One thing I have noticed about you personally, you have a strong mind. Do what you have to do Colitas, take care of yourself and your family. Don't let CRAP get to ya.

Jul 13, 2008 at 10:07 AM : Yeah, I am one of the...

Yeah, I am one of the lucky ones. I have a great MIL. She has flown out 2 times since it all started. She is coming back with my FIL Tuesday. It'll be nice to just hang out, not having to deal with other issues.