http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250 Life and my ideas of her assimilate inside me at times without my knowledge. Innate defense mechanisms naturally conceal painful experiences via denial, lies and suppression, while&nbsp;other survival instincts foolishly embrace pleasures regardless of the consequences.&nbsp; This is normal, however a fragile mind often requires an opaque retreat in which&nbsp; to shelter it from the glare of sentience. Inebriants obscure the sharp edges and smooth a long and jarring journey through life.&nbsp; While sober, the need to forget ones experiences are required frequently.&nbsp; Cowardly, I have acquired much of my reality by self inflicted illusions and untruths for the sake of self-protection and peace of mind.&nbsp; Inevitably, my reality is difficult to comprehend. Oh, but how exciting confusion is while intoxicated. &nbsp; Recently I have become acquainted with neurosis. I am completely lost and severely weakened by a personal void and a severe lack of toxins. This is the price one pays for a life of self indulgence. My external means of happiness and comfort have all abandoned me. It&rsquo;s just me, myself and I along with a vast emptiness that resides here now. Alone with myself I attempt to make conversation with a person I no longer recognize.&nbsp; The role I play in a script I wrote and produced for my life is no longer substantial enough to survive. Without my supporting characters, I too am disintegrating into emptiness.&nbsp; This reminds me of the movie The Incredible Shrinking Man.&nbsp; How small did he get?&nbsp; Is he still alive fighting off creatures that cannot be seen even by the most powerful microscope invented by mankind, or did he simply shrink into nothingness?&nbsp; POOF, no remnants whatsoever, not even a speck of dust that remains forever in the Universe. Nothing, absolutely nothing. &nbsp; Overwhelming fear forces me to make the most significant decision of my life, and to face a climatic dilemma.&nbsp; Sanity or Death. Death with the interpretation in the critical sense, for I have already died in a story book of tales soaked in alcohol and cocaine. Incapable of leaving the house, I am unable to replenish&nbsp;my supply of &nbsp;booze. This has left me horribly sober.&nbsp; As chunks of truths and emotions once suppressed by alcohol regurgitate from&nbsp;the deep and dark vaults of my being, I find&nbsp;it&nbsp;necessary&nbsp;to make serious choices.&nbsp; Naked and confused, I slowly attempt to dissolve delusions one by one. In anger I gather strength, in sadness I become humble.&nbsp; I explore truisms as I continue to try and fill the emptiness inside me with substance.&nbsp;&nbsp; At times of weakness I hold on to my lifelong and comfortable bed, a bed I myself manufactured, a bed of lies and denial in which parts of me will be forever lost in.&nbsp; These difficult decisions and&nbsp;feelings of despair often court death, a courtship to which at times seem like the easiest choice.&nbsp;&nbsp; Teetering on the border of insanity I am forced to revisit the past over and over again in an attempt to decipher actual events from falsehoods. &nbsp; &nbsp;Please let insanity be sweet. &nbsp; I need to organize my thoughts, write them down, no matter how simple or complex: &nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;I am loved and accepted by all,&nbsp; Truth: I am hated by bigots. &nbsp; &nbsp;I don&rsquo;t hurt people,&nbsp; Truth: I hurt people for my own selfish entertainment often.&nbsp; &nbsp; I close my eyes to envision the color blue, I hate the color blue. It reminds me of a bad relationship. Ironically I actually liked blue as a child. My sisters always wanted things pink, their clothes, their toys, and of course, the wall color of their room. I preferred blue, especially when it came to my clothes.&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t really hate him (the reason I hate blue), not everyone is capable of being a good friend or lover.&nbsp; In truth, it was me I hated, not him. I felt I had to make our relationship work because I couldn&rsquo;t do better for myself. I hated the fact that he could make me cry, that I allowed him to demean me, and I hated that I accepted the position of a second class citizen out of fear. F--k it all. Who the f--k cares.&nbsp; I was weak, so the f--k what.&nbsp; I still don&rsquo;t like the color blue.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;4.&nbsp; Truth:&nbsp; I hate the color blue because it reminds me of how much I hate myself. &nbsp; &quot;Hmmm, that went well&quot;. &nbsp; &nbsp;I will mentally place these issues in the Closed file section of my mind. Four down, 179,401 to go.&nbsp;&nbsp; I slip down onto my pillow and try to sleep. &nbsp; &nbsp; Fear consumes me.&nbsp; Knowledge of my desperate and inadequate attempts of self preservation in the past are revealed. I hate myself. I hate myself , I hate everyone. This uninvited, yet welcome transformation is an asset of sorts, it serves as a shield to block out external distractions.&nbsp; I no longer need to exert extra energy by treating others compassionately.&nbsp; Anger is my favorite defense mechanism.&nbsp; I implode this emotion to conjure up strength and create a powerful warrior willing to fight to free me from the abyss of dementia. &nbsp; Frantically I pace the long corridor in a house with too many windows, as my dog barks at a stranger. Moving through the house I&nbsp; can feel my heartbeat accelerate at the sight of me laying in the fetal position in the corner of my bedroom.&nbsp; Daylight and nights, hours and minutes, all moments are jumbled into one. Concerned friends knock at my door and beg to help from the outside.&nbsp; Curtains sway without a breeze, and cabinet doors loose shape and liquefy. Deep slumbers fail to revive my appetite for food.&nbsp;&nbsp; &quot;The Truth Will Save You&quot;, a quote used for manipulation. It&rsquo;s all bullshit. Yet, in my sleep I continue the grueling process of analyzing, decoding and revealing my existence. Insanity is exhausting, I&rsquo;m tired, I&rsquo;m dying.&nbsp; I miss my sanity no matter how distorted. Life and my ideas of her assimilate inside me at times without my knowledge. Innate defense mechanisms naturally conceal painful experiences via denial, lies and suppression, while&nbsp;other survival instincts foolishly embrace pleasures regardless of the consequences.&nbsp; This is normal, however a fragile mind often requires an opaque retreat in which&nbsp; to shelter it from the glare of sentience. Inebriants obscure the sharp edges and smooth a long and jarring journey through life.&nbsp; While sober, the need to forget ones experiences are required frequently.&nbsp; Cowardly, I have acquired much of my reality by self inflicted illusions and untruths for the sake of self-protection and peace of mind.&nbsp; Inevitably, my reality is difficult to comprehend. Oh, but how exciting confusion is while intoxicated. &nbsp; Recently I have become acquainted with neurosis. I am completely lost and severely weakened by a personal void and a severe lack of toxins. This is the price one pays for a life of self indulgence. My external means of happiness and comfort have all abandoned me. It&rsquo;s just me, myself and I along with a vast emptiness that resides here now. Alone with myself I attempt to make conversation with a person I no longer recognize.&nbsp; The role I play in a script I wrote and produced for my life is no longer substantial enough to survive. Without my supporting characters, I too am disintegrating into emptiness.&nbsp; This reminds me of the movie The Incredible Shrinking Man.&nbsp; How small did he get?&nbsp; Is he still alive fighting off creatures that cannot be seen even by the most powerful microscope invented by mankind, or did he simply shrink into nothingness?&nbsp; POOF, no remnants whatsoever, not even a speck of dust that remains forever in the Universe. Nothing, absolutely nothing. &nbsp; Overwhelming fear forces me to make the most significant decision of my life, and to face a climatic dilemma.&nbsp; Sanity or Death. Death with the interpretation in the critical sense, for I have already died in a story book of tales soaked in alcohol and cocaine. Incapable of leaving the house, I am unable to replenish&nbsp;my supply of &nbsp;booze. This has left me horribly sober.&nbsp; As chunks of truths and emotions once suppressed by alcohol regurgitate from&nbsp;the deep and dark vaults of my being, I find&nbsp;it&nbsp;necessary&nbsp;to make serious choices.&nbsp; Naked and confused, I slowly attempt to dissolve delusions one by one. In anger I gather strength, in sadness I become humble.&nbsp; I explore truisms as I continue to try and fill the emptiness inside me with substance.&nbsp;&nbsp; At times of weakness I hold on to my lifelong and comfortable bed, a bed I myself manufactured, a bed of lies and denial in which parts of me will be forever lost in.&nbsp; These difficult decisions and&nbsp;feelings of despair often court death, a courtship to which at times seem like the easiest choice.&nbsp;&nbsp; Teetering on the border of insanity I am forced to revisit the past over and over again in an attempt to decipher actual events from falsehoods. &nbsp; &nbsp;Please let insanity be sweet. &nbsp; I need to organize my thoughts, write them down, no matter how simple or complex: &nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;I am loved and accepted by all,&nbsp; Truth: I am hated by bigots. &nbsp; &nbsp;I don&rsquo;t hurt people,&nbsp; Truth: I hurt people for my own selfish entertainment often.&nbsp; &nbsp; I close my eyes to envision the color blue, I hate the color blue. It reminds me of a bad relationship. Ironically I actually liked blue as a child. My sisters always wanted things pink, their clothes, their toys, and of course, the wall color of their room. I preferred blue, especially when it came to my clothes.&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t really hate him (the reason I hate blue), not everyone is capable of being a good friend or lover.&nbsp; In truth, it was me I hated, not him. I felt I had to make our relationship work because I couldn&rsquo;t do better for myself. I hated the fact that he could make me cry, that I allowed him to demean me, and I hated that I accepted the position of a second class citizen out of fear. F--k it all. Who the f--k cares.&nbsp; I was weak, so the f--k what.&nbsp; I still don&rsquo;t like the color blue.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;4.&nbsp; Truth:&nbsp; I hate the color blue because it reminds me of how much I hate myself. &nbsp; &quot;Hmmm, that went well&quot;. &nbsp; &nbsp;I will mentally place these issues in the Closed file section of my mind. Four down, 179,401 to go.&nbsp;&nbsp; I slip down onto my pillow and try to sleep. &nbsp; &nbsp; Fear consumes me.&nbsp; Knowledge of my desperate and inadequate attempts of self preservation in the past are revealed. I hate myself. I hate myself , I hate everyone. This uninvited, yet welcome transformation is an asset of sorts, it serves as a shield to block out external distractions.&nbsp; I no longer need to exert extra energy by treating others compassionately.&nbsp; Anger is my favorite defense mechanism.&nbsp; I implode this emotion to conjure up strength and create a powerful warrior willing to fight to free me from the abyss of dementia. &nbsp; Frantically I pace the long corridor in a house with too many windows, as my dog barks at a stranger. Moving through the house I&nbsp; can feel my heartbeat accelerate at the sight of me laying in the fetal position in the corner of my bedroom.&nbsp; Daylight and nights, hours and minutes, all moments are jumbled into one. Concerned friends knock at my door and beg to help from the outside.&nbsp; Curtains sway without a breeze, and cabinet doors loose shape and liquefy. Deep slumbers fail to revive my appetite for food.&nbsp;&nbsp; &quot;The Truth Will Save You&quot;, a quote used for manipulation. It&rsquo;s all bullshit. Yet, in my sleep I continue the grueling process of analyzing, decoding and revealing my existence. Insanity is exhausting, I&rsquo;m tired, I&rsquo;m dying.&nbsp; I miss my sanity no matter how distorted. en-us That was a wonderful read, Sparks. http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_170764 http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_170764 That was a wonderful read, Sparks. Wow that was very deep!&nbsp; And some great writing!&nbsp; You really convey what it feels like. I wish I could distill my thoughts like that.&nbsp; Thanks for sharing it.&nbsp; Its very brave putting such a deep look into yourself (or yourself at that time) out for all to see! http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_170769 http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_170769 Wow that was very deep!&nbsp; And some great writing!&nbsp; You really convey what it feels like. I wish I could distill my thoughts like that.&nbsp; Thanks for sharing it.&nbsp; Its very brave putting such a deep look into yourself (or yourself at that time) out for all to see! <p><font size="3">Sparks, you got guts girl. I could never strip myself naked like that and let other people see. I write in a journal, then burn it in a little ritual. </font></p> <p><font size="3"></font></p> http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_170777 http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_170777 <p><font size="3">Sparks, you got guts girl. I could never strip myself naked like that and let other people see. I write in a journal, then burn it in a little ritual. </font></p> <p><font size="3"></font></p> <p>Since 1990 I have been blatantly honest about who I am, always.&nbsp; It keeps me sane.&nbsp; Today people say&quot; Debi, you're the most balanced person I know&quot;.&nbsp;&nbsp; Was I an alcoholic in my youth, or was I insane?&nbsp; Most would say&nbsp;yes to both. The point of this post is that my rigorous honesty and extreme openness about who I am today, hasn't hurt a bit.&nbsp; I have gone through a transition that some would say can only&nbsp;happen with a faith in God.&nbsp; PLEASE, I am not alone, many&nbsp;people have been as emotionally broken&nbsp;as I have at one point in their life or another.&nbsp; I didn't think twice about posting my journal here.&nbsp; I thought perhaps, if anything it would show that no matter how bad&nbsp;life may seem at times, and no matter whether you have a God or not....things can change in your life if you are honest about who you are, AND willing to share and accept help from people who have experienced&nbsp;the same thing as you have and came out on the other side of darkness.&nbsp; I'm not brave, I'm just sharing.&nbsp;(smile)</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_170793 http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_170793 <p>Since 1990 I have been blatantly honest about who I am, always.&nbsp; It keeps me sane.&nbsp; Today people say&quot; Debi, you're the most balanced person I know&quot;.&nbsp;&nbsp; Was I an alcoholic in my youth, or was I insane?&nbsp; Most would say&nbsp;yes to both. The point of this post is that my rigorous honesty and extreme openness about who I am today, hasn't hurt a bit.&nbsp; I have gone through a transition that some would say can only&nbsp;happen with a faith in God.&nbsp; PLEASE, I am not alone, many&nbsp;people have been as emotionally broken&nbsp;as I have at one point in their life or another.&nbsp; I didn't think twice about posting my journal here.&nbsp; I thought perhaps, if anything it would show that no matter how bad&nbsp;life may seem at times, and no matter whether you have a God or not....things can change in your life if you are honest about who you are, AND willing to share and accept help from people who have experienced&nbsp;the same thing as you have and came out on the other side of darkness.&nbsp; I'm not brave, I'm just sharing.&nbsp;(smile)</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> The "blue devils" have quite an interesting history Sparks. Struggling with demons as most of us do, beware the blue devils and the "blues in the night." http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_170886 http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_170886 The "blue devils" have quite an interesting history Sparks. Struggling with demons as most of us do, beware the blue devils and the "blues in the night." Sparks, I'm awed by your honesty and willingness to share. This was a very moving piece to read. I am more like Joty. i'll write my truth out, but will then ritualistically destroy it in some manner. It's supposed to be better than not writing at all, but I'm not sure. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of yourself with us.<br /> <br /> Peace. http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_171666 http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_171666 Sparks, I'm awed by your honesty and willingness to share. This was a very moving piece to read. I am more like Joty. i'll write my truth out, but will then ritualistically destroy it in some manner. It's supposed to be better than not writing at all, but I'm not sure. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of yourself with us.<br /> <br /> Peace. Thanks to Sam, genius and great heart combine:<br /> <br /> <div align="center"><font size="5" face="Verdana"><strong>KATIE MELUA LYRICS</strong></font><br /> <br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"> <font size="2"> <strong>&quot;Blues In The Night&quot;</strong></font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> My mamma done told me, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> when I was in pigtails, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> My mamma done told me, Hon, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> A man is a two-face </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> he'll give you the big eye, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> And when the sweet talking's done. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> A man is a two-face, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> A worrisome thing who'll leave you to sing, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> The blues in the night </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> Now the rains a-fallin' </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> hear the trains a-callin', whooee! </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> Hear the lonesome whistle </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> blowin' across the trestle, whooee </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> a-whooee-ah-whooee, clickety-clack, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> Comes echoing back, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> The blues in the night. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> From Natchez to Mobile, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> from Memphis to St. Joe, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> Wherever the four winds blow. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> I've been in some big towns </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> and heard me some big talk, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> But there is one thing I know. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> A man is a two-face, a worrisome thing who'll leave you to sing, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> The blues in the night </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> My mamma done told me, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> when I was in pig tails, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> My mamma done told me, Hon, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> a man is a two-face, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> he'll give you the big eye </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> And when the sweet talking's done. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> A man is a two-face, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> a worrisome thing </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> who'll leave you to sing, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> The blues in the night. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> My mamma done told me<br /> <br /> </font></font> <div align="left">Only Sam touches the human soul this way. Only Sam will give you a reference to this kind of music. <br /> <br /> Music of the soul. <br /> <br /> Thank you, Sam.<br /> <br /> And Sparks, tomorrow comes.<br /> <br /> </div> </div> http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_171991 http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_171991 Thanks to Sam, genius and great heart combine:<br /> <br /> <div align="center"><font size="5" face="Verdana"><strong>KATIE MELUA LYRICS</strong></font><br /> <br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"> <font size="2"> <strong>&quot;Blues In The Night&quot;</strong></font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> My mamma done told me, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> when I was in pigtails, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> My mamma done told me, Hon, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> A man is a two-face </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> he'll give you the big eye, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> And when the sweet talking's done. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> A man is a two-face, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> A worrisome thing who'll leave you to sing, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> The blues in the night </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> Now the rains a-fallin' </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> hear the trains a-callin', whooee! </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> Hear the lonesome whistle </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> blowin' across the trestle, whooee </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> a-whooee-ah-whooee, clickety-clack, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> Comes echoing back, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> The blues in the night. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> From Natchez to Mobile, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> from Memphis to St. Joe, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> Wherever the four winds blow. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> I've been in some big towns </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> and heard me some big talk, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> But there is one thing I know. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> A man is a two-face, a worrisome thing who'll leave you to sing, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> The blues in the night </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> My mamma done told me, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> when I was in pig tails, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> My mamma done told me, Hon, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> a man is a two-face, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> he'll give you the big eye </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> And when the sweet talking's done. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> A man is a two-face, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> a worrisome thing </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> who'll leave you to sing, </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> The blues in the night. </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> </font></font><br /> <font size="5" face="Verdana"><font size="2"> My mamma done told me<br /> <br /> </font></font> <div align="left">Only Sam touches the human soul this way. Only Sam will give you a reference to this kind of music. <br /> <br /> Music of the soul. <br /> <br /> Thank you, Sam.<br /> <br /> And Sparks, tomorrow comes.<br /> <br /> </div> </div> <font size="3">My mother used to sing this to me...thanks for the memories!</font> http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_172003 http://www.tehachapinews.com/home/Blog/Sparks/18250/#c_172003 <font size="3">My mother used to sing this to me...thanks for the memories!</font>