Moments of Madness - peacetoyou's Blog - Tehachapi News

New Market Definitions

In the light of the recent financial news, I thought it would be best to help eliminate any confusion by sharing the new market definitions….

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance and the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Anti-Sarah Palin Rally in ALASKA!!!!

If you have listened to the select (very select) few Alaskans that have spoken about their "Pride", "She's ready for this", or "She's a go getter and will show those boys a thing or two", BS attitude in Sarah Palin being McCain's choice for VP and believe it...you need to follow this link from snopes.com.

Obviously not all of Alaska, especially women, are Palin fans. Be sure to watch the video from youtube.com at the end. Real everyday Americans with something to say...I love it!

http://www.snopes.com/politics/palin/rally.asp

The GrungeHobbit ROCKS!!!!

Thanks again for Sam's website! Everyone should visit:

http://samkirby.net/

In Peace, Annette

Kimi Peck -"Dog Rescue"

Saw this on the Bakersfiled Californian site, thought ya'll might be interested.

http://www.bakersfield.com/hourly_news/story/523966.html

Are you having an, " I Hate My Job Day"?

When you have an:

"I Hate My Job Day"

[even if retired, you have those days sometimes] try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS

It could be the Benadryl but this made me LAUGH!

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing
alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

The man thought for a moment and smiled as he said......

"B. J. Titsengolf"

Mathmatical Viewpoint

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

And

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

BUT,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Fruits of Our Labor...New Photos Today

A while back I posted a few pictures of blooms in our Spring garden...Well here's some of Summer!

A Proud Momma Shows Off!

This is my son Sam's first art show here in Tehachapi, as his Mother I couldn't be prouder!

Sam graduated from THS in 2006 and has been attending college in Sacramento for the past two years, this fall he will continue his education in the Arts & Sciences at Humboldt State University.

Sam's art will be on display at Mama Hillybean's for the entire month of July, please drop by and check it out!

In Peace,

Annette Kirby

P.S. Sparks has generously offered to make Sam his own website, when it's up I'll post the link here.

Misspellings...........

We all occasionally forget to use our spell check and for the most part I'm forgiving in the misuse of words such their and there, our and are, whether and weather, to and too, etc. But the misspelling of "RESOURCE", spelled "RESOURSE" in the headline: Resourse for the horse ( and, rider too) on the homepage (I'm not sure if it's in the printed edition too) is making me insane!!!!!!

Any comments?

In Peace, Annette

The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.

I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the

barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the

citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.--

Vote carefully this year.

Theft at Tehachapi Art Center

Tehachapi Art Center is sad to report that someone broke into the storage unit at the new TAC location last night and stole a few thousand dollars worth of music equipment.

This equipment was used in the Art Center concert series last summer, and was going to be used for the same thing this summer. It is heavy duty equipment, used for stage shows in the out-of-doors.

Please be on the lookout if someone you know has suddenly started performing with new speakers, new amplifiers, new microphones, new stands, etc., or is trying to sell this sort of thing. And if you suspect someone you know was involved in the theft, please contact the Tehachapi Police Department at 822-2222.

Happy Cesar Chavez Day.......

Get out and do something for YOUR community! Remember your "community" is anywhere, you make it. Cesar Chavez Day is a time for working for others for the betterment of all.

Cesar Chavez Quotes:

"When we are really honest with ourselves we must admit that our lives are all that really belong to us. So, it how we use our lives that determines what kind of men we are. It is my deepest belief that only by giving our lives do we find life."

"You are never strong enough that you don't need help."

"We can choose to use our lives for others to bring about a better and more just world for our children. People who make that choice will know hardship and sacrifice. But if you give yourself totally to the non-violence struggle for peace and justice you also find that people give you their hearts and you will never go hungry and never be alone. And in giving of yourself you will discover a whole new life full of meaning and love."

"I am convinced that the truest act of courage, the strongest act of manliness is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally non-violent struggle for justice."

"When the man who feeds the world by toiling in the fields is himself deprived of the basic rights of feeding, sheltering and caring for his own family, the whole community of man is sick."

Springtime In Tehachapi

Yesterday was the first day of spring, so I went out and captured it!

The Vagina Monologues Tonight!

Directed by Annette Kirby

Starring:

Sherry Meehan

Monica Nadon

Tammy Anderson

Cynthia Hynes

Tickets available at the door.

For mature audiences only!

A Conversation with God.....

I am not a religious person, but I thought this was a beautiful tribute to Moms (and Dads).

In Peace, Annette

A baby asked God, 'They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?' God said, 'Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.'

The child further inquired, 'But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.' God said, 'Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy.'

Again the child asked, 'And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?' God said, 'Your angel
will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.'

'And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?' God said, 'Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.'

'Who will protect me?' God said, 'Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.'

'But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.' God said,'Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.'

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, 'God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name.'

God said, 'You will simply call her, 'Mom.'

Two Encore Presentations of The Vagina Monologues

Tehachapi Community Theatre will present two showings of Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues on November 17th and 18th. The showing on Saturday the 17th will be at The Corral, Stallion Springs' new Community Center at 7pm doors will open at 6:30. Mama Hillybean's Coffee & Community will host the show on Sunday the 18th. Doors will open at 5:00 for a no host dinner* with the show starting at 6:30.

Readers for these productions will include; Hillary Arend-Melville, Cindy Latham, Monica Nadon, Tammy Anderson, Tera Lemes-Jones, Cynthia Hynes and Sherry Meehan.

Please call the TCT Hotline at 822-4037 to make seating reservations or for more information on this production and all of TCT's ongoing events and classes.

Stallions Springs Community Center (Saturday 11/17)

27850 Stallion Springs Dr.

Mama Hillybean's Coffee & Community (Sunday 11/18)

426 E. Tehachapi Blvd.

* Dinner is optional.

Sloopy Farkledoodle

Do it for the giggles!

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names..
So:-

1.. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = d ips y
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dink y
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your
last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brainsp = b iscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W.. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Now when you SEND THIS ON....use your new name as the subject.

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.

Select a Presidential Candidate 2008

I just took this quiz......and I'm still in the same quandary as before. It was a three way tie between Clinton, Obama, and Edwards!

http://www.wqad.com/Global/link.asp?L=259460

Give it a try...it's only eleven questions.

In peace,

Annette

Fun Friday...Let's start the weekend with a giggle!

Dear Diary --

For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am a mother still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY :Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY : I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY : The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why on earth would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY : Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny hag to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY : I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the STINKING barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY : Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY : I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little SNOT!) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

What Time Is It?.....Now!

Hello All You Caring Bloggers,

I feel this video should be watched and learned from. We blog about many subjects here, but none is more important than this.

Awareness about child abuse has been on the rise and it's easier than ever to report it...but who is following up? Friends, family, neighbors, doctors, nurses and schools report to the Sheriff/Police...They report to Social Services....Social Workers on the average have 40-60 cases to deal with...that's entirely too many. Social/DHS/CPS Services are unfunded and understaffed in every State of the Union. I believe 99% percent of S.W.'s are doing their job as best they can with what they are given, but they depend a hell of a lot on the judicial system to help keep the children in danger out of the home that put them in danger.

The link to the video is a prime example of a Judge not doing his job and the consequences it held for a beautiful two year child. Personally I hold this man just as responsible for her death as I do the abusers.

If you suspect child abuse, PLEASE don't hesitate to report it, you can even do it anonymously...then follow up on it, make phone calls, ask the hard questions, check on the child if possible as much as possible until you feel you've REALLY done all you can!

This may be cliche but, Children are our greatest resource and our future.

In Peace & Hope For Our Children

Annette

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t91JeJBefKU

A Laugh For All!

Stun Gun
(only a man would do this)

(Gals - you have got to read the whole
thing if you can keep the tears out of your eyes)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket
Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary,
and I was looking for a little something "extra" for my wife.

I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst", when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles.

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Something To Think About

If you aren't completely appalled....Then you haven't been paying attention!

http://www.costofwar.com/

http://www.antiwar.com/casualties/

The

Come One... Come All... Get on board with Mrs. Campbell and Support Our Troops with a few goodies, greetings, or pre-paid postage labels for her "Because We Care" campaign .

No matter where any of us stand politically, we all need to send our love to our American sons and daughters!!! Let's show Spc. Padraic Campbell and his fellow Army Airborne Combat Medics how much we care as a community.

A few dollars and an hour of your time is all it takes. Most of the items on the list can be purchased at our local Dollar Tree and the drop off point in Tehachapi is right down the street at Canine Creek Dog Wash & Boutique....How easy is that?

Read the full list in the TNews Article "Local Military Mom gains support..." and visit Mrs. Campbell's Myspace page at: www.myspace.com/becausewecareproject .

In Peace,

Annette

Casting Call for Nuts

Tehachapi Community Theatre announces auditions for Tom Topor’s Broadway hit, Nuts. Auditions will be held at TCT’s Studio Theatre, located in the TAPA building at 48771 Valley Blvd. Saturday, January 20 from 2pm - 4pm and Monday, January 22 at 6:30pm. Directed by Annette Kirby this show starts rehearsals immediately and will hit the boards in April 2007. Ms. Kirby wants all who audition to be aware that this production has strong adult language and content.

Nuts has been called the best courtroom melodrama since Witness for the Prosecution and The Caine Mutiny Court Martial . Set in a courtroom in New York's Bellevue Hospital, the story concerns an incarcerated woman's valiant attempt to fight those who want to have her committed as mentally incompetent to stand trial on a manslaughter charge. The State, represented by a court appointed psychiatrist and an aggressive prosecutor, say Claudia Faith Draper is nuts. "[Has] the audience rooting for the good guys and hating the bad guys, as if the whole event was the most beautifully professional wrestling match you have ever seen. Nuts is a play that moves you ... you are in court watching a woman fight for what she believes is her total future." N.Y. Post. .

Ms. Kirby is looking for six males ranging in age from mid-20’s and up, and three females, ages 30 and up. As with any production, plenty of behind the scenes help is always needed and appreciated. Needed for this production are an Assistant Director/Stage Manager to help with blocking and takes notes, a house manager, a costumer, a props person and various stage hands for set construction and decor.

For more information about Tehachapi Community Theatre call TCT’s Hotline at 822-4037 or go online at www.tctplays.org