Country Wisdom: Tehachapi News

Wisdom of the week — A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for. Grace Hooper

Dear C.C.: What's the best way to help my husband understand me? I can't seem to get him to listen, I mean really hear what I'm saying?

Dear Wife: I find it becoming more clear as couples try to resolve their marital issues, that men aren't the only ones who don't listen. Men will often say, “She says I don't listen and the only thing she wants is to be heard, but she doesn't really listen to me.” So if you can, you might start out by really listening to him. There is a wonderful book by Dr. Warren Farrell, Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say, that might be helpful to you to read along with several other excellent books identifying mens' conditioning, responsibilities, expectations of a marriage, and suggestions on how to change him without just getting him ready for the next woman.

In the not too distant past, research on media commercials identified that in female-male interactions, 100 percent of the time, the 'bad guy' was the man. So my suggestion is that you try not to buy into the anti-male bias and instead, model good listening habits. A novel approach would be to take a psychology course together. You can also try to find a way to bring more laughter and fun into your relationship….a really great way to strengthen the bond between you. It really isn't the bad times that destroy a marriage, but the lack of good times that keep a marriage strong.

Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi, CA 93581, e-mailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com , or dropped off at the Tehachapi News office, 411 North Mill Street, Tehachapi, CA 93561

Country Wisdom

Wisdom of the Week – “Many of us think that happiness is not possible in the present moment. Most of us believe that there are a few more conditions that need to be met before we can be happy. This is why we are sucked into the future and are not capable of being present in the here and now. This is why we step over many of the wonders of life. If we keep running away into the future, we cannot be in touch with the many wonders of life, we cannot be in the present moment where there is healing, transformation, and joy.”
—Thich Nhat Hanh

It may be important to look at how much of our lives are influenced by media which is constantly reinforcing the thoughts that we are not even able to be happy in the present. We need to purchase specific products, acquire certain possessions, undergo certain experiences… before we can expect to find happiness, or even be okay with ourselves. So, despite those messages we receive, remember that if you can find happiness in the present moment, just as you are and with just what you have, you can always find that sought after happines that Thich Nhat Hanh describes and lives.

Dear C.C.: I have a darling 10-month old son, but I get exhausted from caring for him 24/7. My husband goes to work early and is usually home by three in the afternoon but I can't get him to help me with the baby. How come he thinks it's okay to work 8 hours while I get no time off?

Dear Mom: Why not ask him to change places with you? Locate a less expensive home that you can support, find a job you enjoy and let him care for your son. Many men have always longed to do so and research says that single fathers are better parents than single moms. So go for it.

Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi, CA 93581, e-mailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com , or dropped off at the Tehachapi News office, 411 North Mill Street, Tehachapi, CA 93561.

Country Wisdom

Wisdom of the week: Michelangelo has said, “If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful after all.” But the results of his hard work are breathtaking, and so often it isn't in-born talent that brings masterpieces, but rather the hard work that Michelangelo speaks of. So give your dreams all you have to give and you will be rewarded richly.

Dear C.C.: I dread the coming election. My friends and I don't all see the same way, and it's trying on our friendships. Any help?

Dear Friend: Everyone has a unique perspective and it gives us different beliefs, different wants and behaviors... certainly different political views. But the truth is, the things we have in common are far more numerous than our differences, and it is from this common ground that you're better able to resolve your conflicts.

Take the time to discover your similar perspectives. Actually, we all pretty much seek the same ultimate outcome... the disagreement is usually about how to get there. And even if you aren't always able to agree, you can always understand. Set aside your desire to get your friends to accept your point of view and don't feel you have to give in to theirs. Discover how you see things that are similar or what you both want and it can make your friendships stronger.

I sometimes think that politics are geared to divide us, and avert us from seeing what may truly be occurring. Being angry shuts down our ability to think clearly and puts us in a place of reacting like a caged animal. Just remember whether your political side is in or out, your friendships can be forever.

Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi, CA 93581, e-mailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com , or dropped off at the Tehachapi News office, 411 North Mill Street, Tehachapi, CA 93561.

Country Wisdom

Wisdom of the Week: It is not our difficulties that create pain in our lives, but rather our adverse reaction to them. When we start recognizing every difficulty as a blessing in disguise, changes begin to take place within and life naturally become more joyful.

Dear C.C.: I'm a single mom and because of financial reasons I've had to move back in with my parents with my two-year-old son. My parents think differently about raising kids. How best can we work it out?

Dear Single Mom: If this were simply a case of differing opinions such as with a spouse, it would be helpful to talk clearly and honestly (and without blame) about your differences, always keeping in mind that your son's needs come first.

However, while living with your parents, you will need to accept that you are in their home and that their needs come first, if they so choose. Essentially, you are a guest in someone else's home and need to act accordingly if you expect to be a welcomed guest for long.

At two years of age, your son is going through some major changes, and it could be helpful to have another adult around. I suspect some of your frustrations about the differences in how to raise your son, are more connected to your having to live at home. Those frustrations are being directed toward your parents rather than your taking the time to understand their feelings. (You surely want your son to live in an environment of love and support). Having children in the home at your parent's point in life can be a huge adjustment. If you can work it out you can both work together to raise your son. If you can't work it out, then you will need to make the effort to locate your own living arrangements. It is up to you whether you are able to resolve the problem and stay.

Whatever you decide, please read again the ‘Country Wisdom’ above and try to be willing to see the blessing in what is happening in your life now because of your return home. With a positive approach, I can almost guarantee that you will be happy with what transpires.

Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi, CA 93581, e-mailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com, or dropped off at the Tehachapi News office, 411 North Mill Street, Tehachapi, CA 93561.

Country Wisdom

Wisdom of the Week: Try not to compare your life to that of others. We have no idea what their journey is all about. Keep in mind, always, that there is so much more to the truth than what we can see…now or ever.

Dear C.C.: For the last 15 years I have done many things for my siblings: Love, caring, helping and giving emotionally and financially. When I was in need of help, they refused me. I even helped them to gain wealth. I asked for a very small sum compared to what they gained with my help. When I asked, “Do you think you are being fair as far as finances are concerned?” The reply was “probably not.” Their actions have broken my heart. Do you believe in the comment, “What goes around comes around?” The small amount I have asked for was just the amount that I lost by helping them to acquire a huge amount of money.
—Hurting

Dear Hurting: Yes…absolutely! What we dish out always returns, though you may not be aware of when that happens. And it may not always bring as much satisfaction as it might seem now. It is not, however, a simple issue.
What is helpful for you to know is that by your continually doing for them and having given to them, they have learned to take and take…and that you don't need anything from them in return. I would venture to say that you could be, or are, the oldest and the most responsible and full of answers simply because of your birth position. Now that you have begun to care for yourself first, they are probably not comfortable relating to you, are angry for your not taking care of them, or don't want to acknowledge your help (or their past helplessness) by putting them first, and they are now experiencing those consequences.

I congratulate you for changing your position and hope you will hold that position. As for your siblings, they will have consequences as they learn, as we all do, and it will eventually be to their advantage. We do train people how to treat us. And when we become aware of this, we can train them to treat us as how we want to be treated, rather than how we have been taught, or how we want to be seen, no matter how admirable our intentions. It is interesting to note that when we help young children, they do not understand that we do it out of love. They often feel, on some inner level, we do it because, as small children, they “aren't as good as we are” and that they “can't do it as well as we can.” They develop a feeling of inadequacy rather than appreciation which may be the case with your siblings.

I know this will not take away your present hurt. Only time can help heal such difficult feelings. I suggest that you not base your self-worth on how they have treated you. Please, be good to yourself. And I do hope you can enjoy your new life – one that is free of any obligations to your siblings. Don't put yourself down for what you've done. Pat yourself on the back for now stepping to the front of the line and ENJOY what lies ahead.

Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi, CA 93581, e-mailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com , or dropped off at the Tehachapi News office, 411 North Mill Street, Tehachapi, CA 93561.

Country Wisdom

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Country Wisdom
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Wisdom of the Week: We all teach by example. We don't need to tell others how to live. All we need do is just live... and let others watch us do it.

Dear C.C.: I enjoy walking my dogs – on their leashes. My concern is why others don't do the same. Their owners will usually say something like “my dog won't bother you” or “my dog is really friendly,” which of course is not always the case and I end up having to try and pull my dog out of a 'get together' and away as soon as possible. Is there another way to handle inconsiderate dog owners?

Dear Dog Owner: I also get frustrated when another dog comes bounding up to me when walking our dog on his leash. I guess we all seem to have high hopes for our dogs and see them differently than others. And I think those dog owners maybe feel they're giving their dogs a chance to be a dog and explore without limits. But it is unpleasant for both dogs and owners when the dogs aren't under control. To my knowledge there is little to be done other than to keep your eyes out for other dogs and alert their owners that you have a dog also. Most times they will pull out the leash before you cross paths. But you can always carry a mace gun or ammonia in a spray bottle for emergency situations.

Dear C.C.: I know better, but I often find myself obsessing over what starts out as an ordinary worry, i.e. about my kids, my husband, our finances, how I look. I can't stop the thoughts from recurring over and over and over, and move on. Is there a way?

Dear Friend: Our minds are powerful and being able to control the mind rather than having it control us is a skill. Thousands of thoughts enter our minds everyday and some of them can take on a particularly troubling and persistent quality that goes beyond an ordinary worry. An obsession has a fixed quality and can even recur for years. The threat of harm, sometimes to oneself, but many times to others, is one common theme.

As illogical as it seems, to get rid of an obsession, you must accept it. Suppressing thought usually doesn't work, even ordinary thoughts, let alone obsessions. It has the effect of a giving it energy and keeping it alive. This doesn't mean that you need to believe an obsession. Just acknowledge what is happening objectively. “I'm having this thought and it's alright.” Have another thought ready to replace it, one you can bring to mind quickly and easily and one that will bring you a positive feeling. It becomes easier each time you change your thoughts. If you are interested, find a meditation technique or a yoga class. Both are wonderful ways to discipline your very powerful mind.

Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi, CA 93581, e-mailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com , or dropped off at the Tehachapi News office, 411 North Mill Street, Tehachapi, CA 93561.

Country Wisdom

Wisdom of the week – If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give.
Rabbi S.R. Hirsch

Dear C.C.: I’m a single mom (a good one, I think) but I'm tired of the usual remarks from male office workers about always getting ripped off by garage mechanics when I take my car in. What is it with men and single women???

Dear Single Mom: There are always those men who want you to think they've gotten the “good deal.” If he’s approachable, you might ask him to take your car in the next time. Or if there is a close male friend, offer to buy him lunch in return for taking it in for its next repair job. Or you can always spend time and learn more about your car. Honestly, it would not be a high priority for me…too many other things to do. Paying a little extra for not having to learn a new trade might be worth it, but l really doubt if your regular mechanic is going to take advantage of you. You could also tell your boasting friend that you've even thought of tipping your mechanic, you like his work so much.

Dear C.C.: I keep hearing so much about “positive thinking” so I feel like I'm a failure when I 'm having a hard time. What’s the best way to love myself when things go wrong?

Dear Concerned: Just do it. It really isn’t as easy as it’s made to sound, but the truth is that Reality is as it is, and you can choose to see it in any light you wish. Put a positive light on it all and you’ll soon see some changes. It doesn’t mean you have to believe it at first, but you do have to feel it...think some good thoughts and remember that those thoughts of being unlovable are of your own choosing. Simply make another choice. Mistakes are for learning….allow yourself to learn from them but do not turn them into who you are.

You are loveable always. Please don’t even consider otherwise.
Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi, CA 93581, e-mailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com , or dropped off at the Tehachapi News Office, 411 North Mill Street, Tehachapi, CA 93561

Country Wisdom

Wisdom of the Week —
Ethel Barrymore is remembered for many things but a lovely quote is, “You grow up the day you have the first real laugh…at yourself.” Enjoy all the 'good stuff' that comes when you can laugh…with others and at yourself. It feels so good!

Dear C.C.: My sister isn't speaking to me anymore. The last time she called, she was depressed over problems she was having with her ex-husband. I went through the same thing a few years ago so I tried to tell her the best thing to do. She just got upset and said I didn't understand and then hung up. I don't really feel I should have to call and apologize but she hasn't called for over a month. I'm really hurt.

Dear Sis: In all likelihood, your sister feels really hurt as well. Even if you do have the answers, they won't be of any great value to her until she works her own way through her problem. It seems to hold true for us all that we really don't want answers from others, we just want to be heard…and in this case, what she was probably looking for was sympathy and a little sisterly support. Why not just send her a card signed 'With love.' If you can take the time, I'm sure you can find just the perfect card. You know she'll make it even if she feels otherwise at the moment.

Dear C.C.: My husband will never do anything on the spur of the moment. What can I do that will keep me from being angry? Sometimes when he gives in and does go, we both have a miserable time.

Dear Wife: First, see if you can help him understand why it is so hard from him to be spontaneous. That could be a task in itself for he may not know at first. In the meantime, if there are things you can do on your own or with others, do so. Have a good time and let him be. In time, he could very well want to be with you rather than home alone. Consciously choose not to project your frustration onto him by getting angry. This not good for either of you and it certainly doesn't begin to solve the problem.

Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi, CA 93581, emailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com , or dropped off at the Tehachapi News Office, 411 N. Mill St., Tehachapi, CA 93561.

Country Wisdom

I recently received an email and passed it along to an 18-year-old. Her response was rather a surprise. The story was entitled ‘Crazy’ and was saying that it never hurts to take a hard look at yourself from time to time and this might be a way to start.

“During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. ‘Well,’ said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh I understand,” said the visitor. “a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger.”

“No,” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug....”
The 18-year-old responded, “This is funny, because people don’t think beyond the choices they are given and they don’t realize what other options are out there because they have to look for them and they aren’t just handed to them. People are lazy and too scared to actually think.”

How positive to hear a teen speak of being aware of the almost unlimited possibilities that life offers. It requires a courage that is greater than the fear of failure. It requires accepting responsibility for your choices, decisions and subsequent actions and behaviors, and is a choice that can be yours the moment you decide to use it. It is a very powerful way to live. Congratulations dear young adult. We welcome you to the adult world and are grateful for your willingness to purposely experience life.

Dear CC: I’m in another relationship... or was. This relationship recently broke up (once again) because of my jealousies. I hate my jealous feelings and the words that just come out of my mouth before I’m even aware. I’m heartbroken. Tell me how to break away from being jealous.

Dear Jealous: Yes, jealousy is such a deep and destructive emotion. My heart goes out to you. Jealousy stems from deep, early childhood insecurities, ones that you are probably not even aware of at this time. Most of us find we have those unwanted feelings at one time or another. I doubt that your insecure feelings are based on your present circumstances and abilities. Such beliefs about yourself are only thoughts, however, and though it isn’t all easy, some people are able to let them go., change their beliefs about themselves and begin to feel good about who they truly are. Be able to see your own special strengths and allow yourself to be open to a new relationship.

Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O Box 1840, Tehachapi, CA, 93561, emailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com, or dropped off at the Tehachapi News Office, 411 N. Mill St.

Country Wisdom

Wisdom of the week: It would probably be best to quote Epictetus during the month of December. “There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about the things which are beyond the power of our will.”

Almost everyone tries to do what they feel is right, but that can be perceived entirely different for many of us. Possibly the simplest and best thing to keep in mind, during what can be a stressful moment, is to be kind. That doesn’t mean you are being right or wrong, helpful or uncaring, but simply trying to be kind and loving toward others. It will almost always take a great weight off your own shoulders and bring you the peace you’ve been looking for. Try it.

Dear CC: This year I want to enjoy Christmas but don’t want to end up totally stressed out. What’s the best way to handle the food issue?

Dear Mom: There is never one way that works for everyone– no matter what you may be told. You might want to take a few minutes, though, relaxing with your eyes closed and see what feels right for you. It may be a potluck, an appetizer and desert evening, a wine and selections of soups, a ‘red robin’ that includes other homes, or even a Christmas barbecue.

But your wish to enjoy the season is certainly the right way to start. It seems to be most important to me each year. No matter how difficult our lives can be, one of the simplest and most gratifying things we can do for ourselves is to create a beautiful ‘get together’ place where family and friends are invited to talk, laugh and enjoy a meal. Getting together with cherished friends is really one of life’s greatest pleasures. And with our busy lives, we don’t seem to connect often enough. The holidays give us that reason to reach out and reconnect. And don’t worry, the house will never be perfect, the yard will always need more time and you may feel you should spend more time in the kitchen. But do keep in mind that those issues are all second to the camaraderie you share. May you find this Christmas a most special time of year.

Questions may be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi, CA 93581, emailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com or dropped off at the Tehachapi News Officer located at 411 N. Mill St.

Country Wisdom

Wisdom of the week: It is important to recognize the great human potential of each individual. If you can and want to help those in need, offer a hand...not a handout.

Dear C.C.: I need your help. Our daughter is grown and out of the house and married and my wife keeps sending her money. We don't have a lot of extra money and I've discussed it with her and said that I don't think we should be sending her money. The thing that disturbs me is that not only does she continue to send money but she does it on the sly and hopes I won't find out. What do I tell my wife so that this does not become a larger issue?

Dear Concerned: You have every reason to feel uncomfortable with your situation, and I would suspect there is more involved than just money. I would first ask if your wife has any interests of her own that she loves doing. I would suspect that she is still living through your daughter rather than focusing on her own life. This is a pattern of dependent behavior on your wife's part and one that many women are learning how to look at. Although an oversimplication, it basically allows your wife to maintain some sense of control over your daughter and, therefore, a reason to place her attention on her daughter rather than her own life.

This is usually not easy to understand or accept in the way of advice, because it requires that she take full control of her own happiness and pleasure. It is much easier for anyone to project their life with all its problems 'out there' ...an issue I feel much of the world is dealing with...or not dealing with. So I would suggest that you focus on encouraging your wife to reach out and, with your help, develop new interests, new friends, and a new sense of responsibility for her own life. It will add much to your relationship in so many ways.

Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi CA 93581, e-mailed to www.editorial@tehachapinews.com or dropped off at the Techachapi News Office, 411 North Mill St.

Country wisdom

I’ve recently returned from two weeks in Russia, traveling by riverboat from Moscow to St. Petersburg and visiting several locations alone the way. Let me repeat answers to some of the many questions I’ve been asked.

First, let me stress that Russia is different. The city and country landscapes seem familiar and the people look, more or less, like average Americans. But that appearance belies a culture, a history and a way of thinking that couldn’t be more different from the culture, history and way of thinking I’ve encountered in other travels. The country appears to be Asian, European, both or neither. Moscow, the capital of one of the largest countries in the world, presents a dizzying array of the old and new, the shabby and sparkling...gold spires and disintegrating concrete high-rises.

What is the country like?

From a tourist’s point of view, and having seen so much of the countryside from the waterways, I loved how beautiful and green it was. (We moved through 18 individual locks between Moscow and St. Petersburg). What was hard to visualize was that these rivers and lakes are all frozen solid for many months during their winters. Summer days seldom reach 70. Generally, the country is rather flat and the waterways add beauty to the cities.

The Kremlin, legacy of Ivan the Great, is probably the most breathtaking citadel on earth. The awesome architecture and the structures within compromise the historical heart and soul of Russia. There is no question that you know you are in Russia when you enter Red Square. Both Moscow and St. Petersburg are a wealth of national treasures and it is hard to comprehend the magnificence of the churches, subways, statues, cathedrals, the summer and winter palaces of the previous Czars (now national museums), and of course the Hermitage which rivals or excels the Louvre in Paris.

What are living conditions really like?

Although not as high in many areas, in St. Petersburg, some 70 percent of the people still live below the poverty level. For many, a home is one room, with kitchen and bathroom facilities shared by others on your floor. The government seems to be focusing on new living accommodations and high rises can be seen in all stages of completion. As one Russian explained, with housing paid for and television available, most of their income is spent for food, but they no longer have food lines. Can we in our country, ever understand the peasants’ ability to survive under such harsh circumstances?

What about the people?

Russians want us in their country — as tourists and friends. They can be among the warmest people on earth, and have an insatiable curiosity about the ways of the West. And they don’t expect you to know their language. Our guide, Natasha, would jokingly indicate that Russians always expect the worst, but it is possible to see changes and they are hopeful — hopeful that their move toward democracy will hold. There were times in the recent past when they were extremely fearful, but they attribute the move forward to President Putin. After many discussions, I feel their trust in him is validated.

What is the political situation at the present moment?

Political and economic changes are taking place rapidly. This country has been oppressed for centuries. They are moving toward capitalism and a democracy but it is, and will probably be, a slow process. In talking to Russians, they are sure that it will happen, and therefore it will.

Is the vodka as good as it’s reputed to be?

Absolutely yes. Our guide reminded us that, “A Russian would never take a drink without making a toast. (Only alcoholics would drink without toasting.)” And it is always taken in one swallow. ‘Bottoms up.’ So, this toast is to Russia. May her dreams of a democracy come true.

Country wisdom

Wisdom of the week: The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Dear C.C.: I’ve recently graduated from Tehachapi High School and moved away from home. I really love what I’m doing, but being alone is just different and it takes some getting used to. What I’m most concerned about is how I can make sure that I don’t lose ‘who I am’ when I’m out on my own?

Dear Newly Independent: Being on your own without the familiar environment of family and friends can often bring up anxieties and other emotions that come with change. Becoming independent is certainly a big change. You will adapt, however, sooner than you think. So really try to enjoy this unique time of change before it is gone. Try not to give up yourself in the rush to make new connections and ‘fit in,’ or become ‘lost in the crowd.’ Consider what others do and have to say, but then decide for yourself. Just because everybody else might be doing something one way, does not mean it is for you. In other words, don’t be a slave to what others think or do. Live in the freedom of deciding for yourself. Trust your own opinion because it is based on your unique knowledge, wisdom and experience.

Dear C.C.: How can I meet someone great? Because it’s like I’m a magnet for jerks. Is it my fault? Are my standards too high?

Dear Friend: Enjoy meeting all the jerks in the ‘relationship game’ you’re playing, because jerks help you become aware of what you don’t want. The truth is that the best way to find out what you do want is to become aware of what you don’t want. And may I suggest that they might not think of themselves as jerks... they are simply different from you with different standards (rather than too high or too low), different experiences and different goals. Also, you might be more comfortable with them on some level, so in some way you may be encouraging or ‘allowing’ them to make contact with you. Each day, each contact, every experience is getting you where you want. Don’t feel rushed – take time to see what life has to offer. Each person you meet will add to your experience of life.

Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News, P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi CA 93581, e-mailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com or dropped of at the Tehachapi News office, located at 411 N. Mill St.

Country wisdom

Dear C.C.: I’ve been flying more these past few months and I’ve seemed to attract seatmates that I’d rather not even know. I usually don’t choose to chat idly and worse, I don’t enjoy a seatmate with body issues, smelly, passing gas, sneezing, etc. Sometimes I’ve been able to find an empty seat, but when I don’t, it’s miserable. What’s the best way to cope?

Dear Frequent Flyer: We all have our nagging pet peeves that make us cringe, and on an airplane, they can be even more bothersome. Travel is a part of our lives where others often seem to lose their manners and compromise our personal space at a time when we can’t always do much about it. If you have your own personal music device, it’s usually more effective than a book to stop chatter, but you can always make an excuse.

Always have one in the back of your mind, ready to use. Or simply close your eyes. Bodily issues have some solutions. You might try chewing gum or do as a British friend of mine did, almost always have a perfumed handkerchief at your nose when in unpleasant surroundings.

The only easy pet peeve to deal with is the person who uses both arm rests or the child kicking the back of your seat. Just speak up in a pleasant tone of voice and be creative. My tall husband was once squashed back in his seat by the passenger in front pushing his seat so far back, he couldn’t move his legs. When saying something didn’t help, my husband simply opened his air duct to high and pointed it forward onto the head of the passenger in front. The passenger complained about it but soon moved his seat up a bit.

Dear C.C.: My husband works hard, usually 10 to 12 hours a day and sometimes seven days a week. I know he’s tired when he comes home so I try to not have many “Honey-dos” for him, but occasionally there’s something I can’t do and need his help. When I ask him for help you’d think I was asking him to build the London Bridge. Why isn’t he more interested in helping me?

Dear Gal: If you can’t find anyone to do the chore for you and it needs to be done, simply accept your husband’s help, grumpy or otherwise. He doesn’t need to enjoy it, he just needs to do it. Don’t take it personally. Just thank him and then let it go.

Questions can be mailed to Country Wisdom, Tehachapi News at P.O. Box 1840, Tehachapi, CA 93581, e-mailed to editorial@tehachapinews.com, or dropped off at the Tehachapi News Office, 411 North Mill Street, Tehachapi, CA 93561.