Tehachapi News

All > Columns > Couple Speak
Let’s bond, lets talk
Topics:
Posted by editor Fri May 5, 2006 15:08:49 PDT
Viewed 914 times
0 responses 0 comments Women are generally more interested in people, more talkative and more emotional than men. They bond by sharing their feelings. By discussing intimate matters, they feel understood, loved and nurtured.

Men don’t bond by sharing feelings, but by doing things together, whether it be work, playing golf, hunting, fixing cars, etc. When men talk, they talk about the activities they are interested in, so their conversations are less personal than women’s.

At the end of the day, the woman typically wants to bond by talking about what happened today. But a man may rather ‘relax and unwind’ through an activity like taking a shower, watching the news, working on a project, or playing with the kids. She then thinks he doesn’t care about her life and doesn’t want her in his life, since he won’t talk about his day either.

Men don’t talk about their day because for most men, the activities of one work day are pretty much like those of any other day. But women come up with a lot that happened today because women remember personal things that people said and personal events that happened. Men don’t remember personal details and events the way women do and don’t naturally think to share them.

David recounts, “Angela gets off the phone with her family and tells me everything. But when I get off the phone, I tell her, ‘They said hi.’ She gets mad, ‘Tell me more. What did you talk about?’  Then I struggle to remember what we had just talked about and it’s hard.” How quickly the man forgets.

Chatting is great for marriages. In most happy relationships, couples talk about what happened that day. It helps women feel bonded to their husbands.

Kirk’s wife seemed jealous and insecure about the time he spent with his friends, always complaining that he didn’t spend enough time with her and questioning him about where he had gone and if he had talked to any women.

In counseling, Kirk realized that he didn’t talk much to Helen. He resolved to open up about what he did daily, and to listen to her talk about her day. Two weeks later he reported that she was much happier, calmer and positive with him. She wasn’t even jealous over a bachelor party he attended; afterwards she playfully questioned him about it. Kirk was amazed at how easily things changed.

Men are far more likely than women to say nothing at all in response to a spouse’s comment. For a woman, a silent man seems cut off and uninterested.

One man decided that he was going to listen more to his wife. That evening he listened silently for a full half hour while she talked about a problem at work. Later, she complained that he hadn’t listened. He was surprised, “I listened for a whole half hour.” She: “But you didn’t say anything.”

When the man is silent, some women keep talking because they haven’t found the feeling of connection they seek. If the man’s responses helped her feel bonded to him, she would stop talking sooner.

Most women give up on chatting because the man seems disinterested. Denise worries, “When I talk, all he says is ‘Un-huh,’ or ‘That’s interesting.’ He doesn’t sound interested. He’s probably fed up with hearing about it day after day.”

Hints for men:

• Chat more. Ask how her day went.

• Respond with real, relevant comments.

• Look at her; it shows interest.

• If she goes on and on, it may be because you don’t seem interested.

• If showing more interest doesn’t work, discuss with her about how to cut it off without hurting her feelings.

• Find out when she likes to chat most, such as when you first get home, at dinner, or after the kids are in bed.

Hints for women:

• If he listens silently or looks away, that’s simply how he listens.
• Show appreciation for his efforts.

• Ask about his day, even if he says little.

One woman wants to give her husband more attention. She starts greeting him at the door, “How are you, dear? How was your day?” He only says, “I’m fine,” or “Same as always.” But now he’s happier and reaches out more, rubbing her back and doing other little things.

Use these hints to bond more with your partner. They’re easy and can have great results.

Send to a Friend

Report a Violation