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The eyes strike unexpectedly
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Posted by editor Fri Jun 9, 2006 08:26:43 PDT
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0 responses 0 comments Steve, a teenager, didn’t take out the garbage one day. When Jan noticed, she wondered if Dave would jump on Steve’s case. They had agreed that she would be the one to remind and discipline Steve, yet Jan thought Dave might let his short fuse get the best of him.

But Dave never acted upset with Steve. Jan was grateful.
That evening Jan asked Dave, “Were you upset that Steve didn’t take out the garbage?” Dave: “No, I wasn’t upset. I trusted you to handle it.” Jan leaned over, hugged Dave, and kissed his cheek: “Thanks for staying calm.”

In a counseling session a week later, the subject of Dave’s anger came up. At one point Dave stated, “Jan thinks I’m upset with Steve even when I’m not. Like this weekend, when Steve didn’t take out the garbage, Jan thought I was angry with him, even though I wasn’t.”

Jan disagreed, “I didn’t think you were angry. I asked you if you were angry, and you said no. I believed you!”

After hearing the details, I inquired: “Jan, when you first asked Dave if he was angry, were you looking at him?” Jan: “Yeah.”

I: “That’s probably where things went wrong. Dave misinterpreted your eye contact to mean that you were challenging him.”

Jan was shocked. “I know men are sensitive to eye contact. But why should I look away from Dave when I’m giving him a compliment? You men are impossible!” Dave also gives me a confused look.

I explained: “Dave, when Jan looked at you and asked, ‘Were you angry at Steve?’ that brought up a sensitive topic that’s been a source of friction between you two. So inside your male mind, her stare implied a demand or an accusation. You didn’t know she was getting ready to thank you.

 Instead of hearing her question exactly as she said it, your mind unconsciously turned it into ‘You were angry at Steve, weren’t you? You shouldn’t be.’ When she did thank you, because you were already on the defensive, you didn’t take it in as an honest, straight-forward compliment. And that’s what you remember, that she thought you were angry at Steve.”

Hints for women

First, avoid strong eye contact with the man when bringing up a sensitive or controversial issue, even when your intention is to give him a compliment, be positive, or even apologize to him. For men, eye contact is more often a negative than a positive in such situations, regardless of the woman’s intentions. Play it safe.
Second, when addressing sensitive or controversial topics with men, it’s wise whenever possible to avoid questions, go directly to the point (short speech) and get it over with, even with compliments.

Why did Jan preface her thanks with a question? Maybe to first check things out, but also because as a women she appreciates dialogue; she naturally wants give-and-take with Dave. But on that day she would have been better off to skip the question, simply give Dave the thanks, hug and kiss and let him respond or not respond as he likes.

Third, when one of your men thanks you or apologizes without looking at you and then drops the subject, don’t misinterpret his looking away or turning away as signs of dishonesty, holding back, or lack of interest in your feelings. That’s what most men do.

Hints for men

First, calm your mind by reminding yourself that a woman’s stare doesn’t usually indicate a challenge or demand. Hear her out. Focus on her words, not her body language.

Second, if the woman gives you a compliment or apologizes to you, and you’re feeling defensive, ask yourself, Have I misinterpreted something about her, such as her eye contact, her ‘too strong’ emotions, her waiting for me to respond, or her ‘talking on and on’ about it when I just want to it to be over?

Give her the benefit of the doubt. Respond as positively as you can, even if it means putting it in writing or bringing it back up again (women appreciate that, though we men hate to open up a can of worms.)

Third, around some sensitive topic, if you thank her or apologize to her, give her as much eye contact as you can. And steel yourself to listen to her response. She’ll probably want to “talk about it”, even if you don’t. That’s what most women do.

Good luck to you both!

Paul McWilliams has opened a website at www.paulmcw.com where you can read a selection of his articles on male-female communication and also preview his upcoming book, Why Men Won’t Talk To Women, And What To Do About It.

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