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When someone holds back, write with them
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Posted by editor Tue Jul 11, 2006 09:56:09 PDT
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0 responses 0 comments Floyd and Marie had problems, but whenever Floyd brought one up, Marie became sad and quiet. If Floyd pushed Marie to talk, she withdrew even more.

In couple counseling Floyd admitted he wasn't the easiest guy to talk to: “I get excited and raise my voice. I'm impatient; I'll interrupt Marie before she's finished. People tell me I'm stubborn. I've tried discussing things calmly and patiently, but it's so hard!”

I responded, “Floyd, calm and patient isn't your natural style. You're high energy and outspoken, while Marie is gentle and easygoing. Your personality overwhelms her. Until you learn to talk more calmly (and that may be a long time), you two need to take a totally different approach to discussing serious issues. I suggest you write to her in short paragraphs. Marie, you can respond in writing or by talking, as long as you keep it short.”

Floyd took up his pen and wrote, “Marie, I want you to be able to talk to me and tell me what you really feel. I know you want to work at a job, even though I think the boys are better off with you at home. I'll try to listen to you if you tell me what would really make you happy.”

Marie decided to speak instead of write: “I do want to work at a job. I feel bored at home with the boys at school. But I think that you're going to get jealous and wonder what I'm up to at work–”

 Leaning forward, Frank broke in, “I get jealous be –”

I cut Floyd off: “Don't interrupt! If you want Marie to talk openly, you need to let her finish. Then don't say anything! Just write.”

Grinning sheepishly, Floyd sat back. Marie continued as Floyd listened carefully: “I've never done anything to cause you not to trust me. I love you; I want to be with you. I'm not the kind of person to cheat on you.”

When she handed the paper back to Floyd, he wrote thoughtfully and calmly. After another 10 minutes, their dialogue ended positively.

Later, I asked Floyd what he thought about Marie's statement that she loved him and wasn't the type to cheat on him. He replied emphatically, “I believed her! I knew she was right. It helped me control my feelings and accept her getting a job.”

Being in the writing mode slowed Floyd down and helped him listen to Marie fully and openly.

In Joanne and Mike's relationship, she is the assertive and talkative one, while he says little and gives in easily to her. I suggest they try writing at home, keeping it to seven lines or less. 

In their first attempt Joanne launched into a full-page laundry list of complaints. She later explained to me that she couldn't resist the impulse to get things off her chest. I cautioned her, “The whole point of writing is to get Mike to say more, because you have no problem expressing yourself. Look how nervous and uncertain Mike is; he says 'sorry' twice. Your list of complaints is guaranteed to shut him down. If you want Mike to respond openly, keep your writing shorter than what he writes. And be positive too.”

A week later they returned pleased with their writing, happier with each other and able to talk more openly and less defensively. Here is some of what they wrote:

Mike: Joanne, your harsh ways hurt me and make me want to get away from you.

Joanne: When I'm harsh, I usually feel hurt. I wish we could talk about our hurt.

Mike: Okay. Talking like this is good, if we stop and think about what we say. But let's keep this way going for some time.

Joanne: Let's talk about your work. You're happy with your work. I will try to be happy with it also. I'm sorry for making you feel bad about what you do.

Mike: Yes, I like that I can see what I've done as time goes on. And this is all I know.

Joanne: I have always pushed you into other jobs, mainly for the money. I hope you understand it is hard for me watching you break your back in what you do.

Mike: Thank you for thinking of my health. What I think for my back and body is I give my work “away.” This might be one reason I get angry and take it out on you. Sorry.

Note how Joanne kept her writing short. She stayed positive, expressing support, concern and regret. Mike responded positively to her concern about his back-breaking work. I am certain that if she had spoken those same words out loud Mike would have heard them as critical rather than concerned.

Some tips

• Use writing when a partner is quiet, reserved, or timid about saying things. Draw them out using questions or statements such as, “What do you think of _____?” and, “Tell me more about ____.”

• Keep it short. This encourages the reserved partner to say more.

• Be as positive and encouraging as possible.

• You can write on paper, on a computer, or even by email.

• Combine writing and doing other things. One partner writes while the other plays with the kids, washes the dishes, or watches TV. Then trade.
Good luck. Give it a try.

Paul McWilliams is a licensed clinical social worker with Country Oak Counseling For more information, call 823-0661.

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