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The Biggest Error in Marriage Counseling
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Posted by editor Mon Sep 11, 2006 16:28:56 PDT
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0 responses 0 comments What is the single biggest error that couples make in getting help from counselors or pastors? In my experience, it's that couples wait until things have become desperate before seeking help. When meeting with couples for the first time, I have often heard comments such as, “I told him I would divorce him unless we came to counseling.” Or, “This is our last chance to save the marriage.” But if things have gotten that bad, there is so much hurt, so much resentment, and so much hopelessness that it may be almost impossible to fix the mess.

Going to counseling when you're ready to leave your partner is like going to the doctor after the cancer has spread throughout the body, instead of making a doctor's appointment at the very first sign of a problem. How much easier and more successful couples counseling would be if couples came for help early in the marriage, when love, trust, and hope are still strong.

Often it's the man who resists going to counseling earlier. The woman asks the man to go with her, but he keeps refusing, until one of them is at the end of their rope. There are a variety of reasons why men – and women – don't want to go for help.

First, men generally put more value on independence than women do. They think, “We can handle our problems ourselves. We shouldn't need a counselor.” Independent types don't like to receive advice, even if they like giving it.

Second, counseling is mostly talking, usually with plenty of feelings thrown in. Many women like that, and most men don't. Seventy-five percent of women complain that their men won't talk to them about issues. These men think, “I don't want to argue, I don't want to talk about my feelings, and I don't want to listen to her nag at me.” They suspect that that's exactly what will happen in counseling. A competent counselor or pastor will keep this in mind and will not allow couples to merely repeat what they do at home in counseling sessions.

Third, some people feel guilty about airing their problems to others. They don't want to upset their partner with their complaints. They don't want more conflict at home. They may worry about presenting the problem incorrectly or unfairly. These doubts and fears may cause them to hold back from getting help, until things become desperate.

Hints:
o  For you independent types: Get over your pride. Face the facts: You're not handling your problems adequately by yourself. So get help. If you don't want counseling, try something else, but do something!

o  For you doubtful, guilty or fearful types: If doubt, guilt or fear is holding you back from getting help, remind yourself that your problems will simply get worse and more difficult to resolve the longer you wait.

o  For women: Don't nag at him. Don't ask, “Will you go to counseling with me?” Instead, use short speeches, such as “I want us to go to counseling,” or, “I made an appointment to talk to our pastor about our marriage. I hope you'll come.” Then turn away and wait patiently for his verbal or action response.

o  If your partner won't go to counseling, go by yourself. It's not true that couple problems can only be addressed as a couple. I have been able to help many women and men who have come to me alone to discuss serious marital problems, even when the main problems lay with the partner who stayed home.

o  Couples counseling is not easy. Ask your friends or family whom they would recommend. Choose a counselor or pastor who feels comfortable and confident with couples. If one counselor is clearly not working out, switch to another one.

o  If couple counseling fails because your partner isn't cooperating, go to counseling by yourself.

o  Whatever you do, don't make the worst mistake of all: Don't wait to get help until you're ready to call it quits.

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