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Couple Speak: Manage Your Holiday Stresses
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Posted by editor Mon Nov 6, 2006 11:24:27 PST
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0 responses 0 comments Many people look towards the holidays with a mixture of anticipation and dread. Sure, there can be great times, but they also know from experience that holidays are stressful. And if one partner is stressed, chances are the other will be too.

Extra holiday stresses can ruin the fun, affect your health, and damage marriages and family relationships. By working together to be realistic, plan ahead, and stay supportive of each other, you and your partner can come out of the holidays more happy and loving than depressed and hostile.

Here are three sets of 'extras' that trigger holiday stress:
Extra Family and Friends. Challenging relationships can cause extra conflict or stress. The stresses can include: conflicting expectations of what to do and how to do it; too many people too close for too long; old tensions arising; the pain of loved ones who are missing; too many chiefs and not enough indians.

Extra Finances. The holidays bring extra financial expectations and demands. These come with presents, travel costs, entertainment, food, and sometimes unpaid time off from work. And if the partners have different expectations — one likes to spend more freely than the other — that's like throwing gasoline on the fire. Holiday overspending can create stress that lasts for months before you catch up on your bills.

Extra Physical Demands. Going to parties and family functions, shopping, taking care of kids out of school, and fixing holiday meals can all take a big toll on you and your partner. You may feel exhausted, depressed, anxious, and frustrated. These feelings add to your stress. Your regular, comforting routines may go out the window. You may not take the time to exercise, eat right, sleep right, be alone, or be with just your partner, all of which can decrease stress and keep you healthy and happy.

Tips for Managing Holiday Stress
Try these tips to prevent holiday stress from overwhelming you and your partner.
Recognize your feelings. You can't address the above issues if you don't admit they are stressing you. Be honest about your worries, pains, or frustrations.

Get support. Take time to vent your feelings to your partner or to supportive family members, friends, a pastor or a counselor.

The holidays are about community. If you are feeling isolated, consider volunteering at a community or religious function, either by yourself, with your partner, or with the whole family. Getting involved and helping others can do wonders for your spirits and your social life.

Finally, ask for help from family and friends for putting together holiday events; don't do too much yourself.

Be realistic. As families change and grow, holiday traditions will change as well. Keep some that are dear to you, but be flexible about others. These days, it's harder to get everybody together. Share more by phone, emails, and pictures.

Accept differences. As much as you can, set aside the differences and tensions you have with family and friends. The busy, chaotic holidays are not the time for deep discussions or for working on relationship issues. If others get upset, realize that they are probably as stressed out by the holidays as you are.

Decide on a budget. Right now, this week, sit down with your partner to plan out a holiday budget for gifts, travel, meals, etc. Then stick to it. Remember, you can't buy love or happiness for anyone. If your situation demands it, be clear that gifts and other spending will be limited. Most people will understand. And with those who don't understand, give up trying to please them or impress them.

Plan ahead. Set aside time for visits, shopping, travel, and other events. Make lists and do all your shopping at once, if possible.

Say no. Agree only to what you want and what you can manage. People will understand. You'll be resentful and overwhelmed if you only say yes.

Maintain healthy patterns. In general, stick to your diet, exercise schedule, and bedtimes. A little extra this or that is fine, on occasion. But don't let those extras become a daily occurance, or they will add to your guilt and stress.

Take time outs for yourself and with your partner. Even 20 minutes alone or with just your partner can be relaxing and rejuvenating. Get away for your favorite breaks — reading, music, a bath, a walk, a movie, etc.

Write it down. If you and your partner have trouble discussing some issues, try writing instead of talking. It's easier to avoid arguments when writing. If you can't agree on a budget, first you write down your budget ideas (on paper or in an email; keep it less than a page!) Your partner then responds in writing to your ideas (in less than a page.) Then you write. Keep writing back and forth until you work out your differences.

Give up doing everything right. This is real life, not the movies. It won't be perfect. Whether you know it or not, other families have the same problems and struggles. Accept the best you can do. Accept things going wrong.

Be kind, generous, forgiving, and loving with yourself; only then can you truly be the same for others.

Happy Holidays, from Paul.

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