Watch out for falling junk in North Dakota
Watch out for falling junk in North Dakota
By: Bill Mead
Topics:
Posted by editor Tue Nov 30, 1999 00:00:00 PST
Viewed 813 times
0 responses 0 comments I keep telling you the mainstream news media isn't giving you the real skinny about what's happening these days. It's true that Fox News, CNN and the big metropolitan papers cover the earth-shattering stuff, like who's the father of Anna Nicole's baby, but until you look at the websites of little newspapers out in the boonies you're way out of the loop.
For example, are you up to speed on the Balloongate scandal in North Dakota? Hah, I knew it! You keep forgetting that North Dakota is still part of the union so you couldn't care less about the 87 people who live there. That's why you're not helping these frostbitten wretches get their balloons up. Here's the background based on reports in the Jamestown, North Dakota Sun:
Due to the fact that North Dakota has only three pay phones, all of them next to a saloon in Fargo, the natives depend on cell phones to keep in touch with their bookies. But cell phones work only when you have mysterious junk on poles every few miles. Out here in California, phone companies have to fight aesthetic purists who don't like these poles sticking up everywhere so we are now offended by fake trees that look ten times worse than the ugliest old-time poles. On the disgusting scale they are in the same league as real bad hairpieces. But residents of North Dakota, especially the buzzards, have no objection to the old-fashioned poles if only they could afford them.
Governor Ed Schafer thought he had the answer. Instead of buying expensive poles he tried to make a deal with a company that claims it can hang the cell phone thingies on hydrogen balloons and send them sailing across the state. The advertised plan is to detach the black boxes from the balloons when they reach the Minnesota line and parachute this expensive stuff back to earth for re-use. This wind-born scheme is supposed to provide phone service for hundreds of miles so long as the balloons keep coming.
With all due respect to Ed, I see a couple of flaws here. For one, how do you keep the parachuting parts from splashing into the punch bowl at the Lutheran Church picnic? The other problem is more serious. What's to stop the cheapskates in Minnesota from freeloading on the system? We all know what those guys are like.
But it all seems moot now because the balloon people are reneging on the project, claiming they are all tied up in defense work. So it looks like North Dakotans will have to continue sending smoke signals to place their bets.
I have given some thought to using balloons in California instead of putting up more fake trees but it won't work. California runs north and south while the winds blow east and west. When those Santa Ana winds kick up the balloons would outrun a jet, reaching halfway to Hawaii before you could finish calling in your pizza order.
I'll stay on this story for you if you'll let me know what Anna Nicole is up to.
| Send to a Friend | Report a Violation |
