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Couple Speak: Talking to someone: How does it help?
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Posted by editor Mon Jul 23, 2007 09:32:28 PDT
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0 responses 0 comments Are you stressed or bothered by problems, but keep them to yourself? Do you hold back from sharing your concerns with others because you think it won't do any good? Well, 40 years of research show that talking about your problems with a good listener really does help in most cases.

Dozens of well-done research studies have examined whether counseling is effective or not. In adding together the results of these studies (involving hundreds of counselors and tens of thousands of clients), researchers with the Institute for the Study of Therapeutic Change have found that, overall, 80% of clients reported that counseling was effective, and 54% of clients were very satisfied with the counseling they received!

Moreover, the benefits of talk therapy generally lasted for a long time — at least three years past the end of counseling.

Many of these benefits are gained in talking to other people — to pastors, friends, family members, coworkers, doctors, etc. Is there anyone you might be willing to share with? Do they possess the qualities of good listeners?

From the research, here is a list of good-listener qualities that make for successful talk therapy:

First, and most importantly, the client feels that the counselor is warm, compassionate, genuine, friendly, interested, and respectful.

Second, the client believes he and the counselor agree on the goals — on what the client will get out of counseling.

Third, the client feels he and the counselor agree on what approach to take-on what techniques and means will be used to achieve the client's goals. (Too often I've failed in this area, encouraging clients to do something which I believed in but which they weren't ready to do or able to do. I've backed off from that.)

Fourth, the counselor seeks to understand the client's past experiences with the problem and the client's beliefs about what caused the problem and what might fix it.

Fifth, the counselor has a broad knowledge of various techniques that could work with a particular problem, and the counselor is willing to adjust the techniques to suit a client's values, beliefs, and particular situation. Also, if one approach doesn't work, the counselor is flexible enough to switch to another approach.

Sixth, the counselor acts ethically and responsibly, strives to do no harm to the client, and maintains a kind, balanced, and unbiased perspective.

Seventh, the counselor has the humility and openness to assist the client in using other resources, such as books, community organizations, alternate treatments, the Internet, and even other counselors. If the client feels the counselor is not a “good fit” for him, or if the counseling isn't progressing well, the counselor encourages the client to seek help from someone else.

That's a challenging list! I encourage you to read it over, thinking about the people you know who exhibit some or many of these qualities. Is it possible they could be a “good listener” for you?

Or consider how many of these good-listening qualities you have. Imagine what it could do for you and for your close relationships if you practiced more of them!

Note that the above qualities are variable: someone could be a very good listener with Person A, but not much of a listener for Person B. It all depends on many factors, which we can't fully understand or predict.

If you're under lots of pressure, or if life's problems feel overwhelming to you, take the chance to open up and share with someone. If you are unsure about whether or not sharing with someone is helping you, look over the above list to explore where you and your listener are on target or off. If the situation doesn't feel right to you, you can gently drop hints about your concerns with the listener. A listener who truly cares about what's best for you and honestly wants to be the finest listener they can be, will pick up on your hints and be open to your feedback. If they're not open to what you have to say, do yourself a favor and look elsewhere.

There are no guarantees, but the chances are very good that you will find a helpful listener, whether it's the first or second or third person you approach, whether they are a relative, an acquaintance, or a professional. Remember, 80% of clients feel that talk therapy is effective! It's much more helpful than most people think.

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