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Couplespeak: Philip's success
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Posted by editor Mon Sep 10, 2007 16:42:57 PDT
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0 responses 0 comments Philip was good at meeting people and making friends; everyone liked him. I admired this quality and once asked, “How do you do it, Philip? Why do people like you so much?” He replied, “Paul, it's simple! It's all in how you chat with and listen to people. Most importantly, be interested in them. Ask them about their work, their hobbies, and their family. Find out what's important to them, and get them to talk about it, which isn't very hard to do.

Philip added, “Listen carefully to them. Show them you are listening by asking questions and making comments like, 'Oh, yeah, I've read about that,' or, 'That happened to me too.' But don't go on and on; keep most of the attention on them. They appreciate you making them the center of attention, because people rarely get to be the center of attention. Most people only know how to talk about themselves. Or they might listen for a little bit, but then they turn the subject back to what they think. Instead, force yourself to be interested in the other person. They love it, and they appreciate you for it.”

Studies show that women are better than men at responding conversationally to what other people say. When a spouse makes a statement, a man is far more likely than a woman to say nothing at all in response.

One man decided to be a better listener to his wife. That evening he listened silently for a full half hour while she talked about a problem at work. Later, as they were getting ready for bed, she brought up the topic again. The man snapped at her, “You're going to talk about that again?”

She: “You didn't listen to me!”

He: “I sat there for a whole half hour listening to you!”

She: “But you didn't say anything!”

For women, when the man says nothing, he seems cut off and uninterested in what she is saying. Then a woman is likely to keep talking, as a way to try to get his interest.

Or she may give up on chatting with her spouse. Denise worries that her husband is bored with her talk: “I've got lots of stress at work, and it helps me wind down to tell him about it on the drive home. But all he says is 'Un-huh,' or 'That's interesting.' He doesn't sound interested. He's probably fed up with hearing about it.”

Many men feel that their spouses talk too much, and most of these men react by talking less to her. That's a mistake. If the man responds more actively to the woman, so that she knows he's 'really listening,' the average woman will finish talking sooner and set him free to go do other stuff! I won't guarantee that that would happen with all women, but it does with most of them.

Philip certainly has success communicating with and listening to his wife. They've been happily married for over 30 years.

Hints on talking to others:

• Ask about their family, work, hobbies, interests, or how their day went.
• Be honestly interested in them. Let them be the center of your attention.
• Make relevant comments, without shifting the focus back to yourself for long.

More Hints for Men:

• When talking with a woman, look at her more. Women like eye contact.
• If she goes on and on, it may be because you don't seem interested. Make more comments, and increase your contact.

More Hints for Women:

• If he listens silently, it's probably just normal to him. Tell yourself it doesn't mean that he's not interested.
• Show appreciation for his efforts.

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