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Turn a small mirror: Three great talking skills
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Posted by editor Mon Nov 19, 2007 14:25:59 PST
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0 responses 0 comments Having trouble talking to your partner or your child? Do discussions always seem to end in raised voices and arguments? Get help with “Turn a Small Mirror.”

Research has found three simple techniques that usually improve how discussions go. All three can be used together at one time. And, while it's best if both people use them, it can also help a lot when just one person practices them.

In the “Turn a Small Mirror” approach, each word stands for one of the three skills:
“Turn” means you take turns talking. Don’t interrupt the other person. Wait till they are finished before speaking. When the listener interrupts, the speaker usually feels that the listener didn't really hear them or didn't care about what they were saying.

“Small” means you keep it short. Don't go on and on. When the speaker is longwinded, the listener gets frustrated and bored, and wants to interrupt badly. It's better to make a few main points instead of trying to come up with all the reasons you think you are right at one time.

First of all, the more points you make, the more points that the listener will probably disagree with and so the more irritated they will get. Second, the listener is likely to focus on your weakest point and respond to that instead of appreciating your strongest points. Third, the longer you talk, the more the listener feels that you are showing off or trying to dominate and overwhelm them (and maybe you are). If you tend to talk on and on in a discussion, think about this.

“Mirror” means, when the speaker finishes, the listener acts like a mirror and briefly reflects back the speaker’s main points: “So you think we should do such and such because of this and that.” Or, “I believe you said that the problem is with….”
“They don't listen to what I say!” is the most common complaint I hear as a counselor. Often both partners feel that the other doesn't listen. When one respectfully mirrors back what the speaker said, the speaker usually has a powerful feeling of having been heard and understood. This often causes the speaker to feel happy, relax, and listen more openly to what the other has to say.

When you use mirroring with men, some may think you are talking down to them or “talking funny.” They may make fun of your mirroring attempts. If that is the case, after making a mirroring statement, don’t stop and wait for the man to confirm that you heard him right. Just keep going with what you think. For example, “So you think that the problem started with this person's actions. O.K., well, I believe that….”
Get out a small mirror, and turn it in your hand so that you can see some part of the room in the mirror. Now imagine that you are sitting with your partner, your child, or whomever you are having trouble talking to, and imagine yourself turning the mirror towards them so that you can see their face in the mirror. Imagine yourself talking to them using the three “Turn a Small Mirror” skills.

Keep that small mirror with you the next three or four times you will have a challenging discussion with someone, to remind you to use these skills. See how they work for you. Remember, practice makes perfect. You must try them over and over to figure out how best to use them and have them feel natural to you.

Discuss this approach with your partner or your child to see if they are willing to use it with you. Even if they say no, use it yourself. They will know what you are doing, and if they also want to improve the relationship, they will start copying you little by little.

These “Turn a Small Mirror” skills are used by thousands of couples across the country to improve their communication. I'm sure you can do the same with your loved ones.

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