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Short Speeches No.2: “Please Do This”
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Posted by editor Fri Apr 14, 2006 15:31:42 PDT
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0 responses 0 comments Short speeches work well when women want men to do things. A short speech is a request or demand which does not require a verbal response. Instead, the man responds in action — by what he does or doesn’t do rather than what he says.

Men want to feel independent. When someone asks a man to do something, the man will often wait a while before doing it—five minutes, an hour, a day or more, depending on the situation. If a man jumps too quickly to do something, he may feel he is letting the other dominate him. If he waits, then he is doing it in his own time, at his own pace; he is independent. If the person repeats their request before the man’s waiting period is up, he must start the waiting period all over again to uphold his independence.

Similarly, when a person asks a man to do something, the man will often be silent and not respond right away. If he says yes too quickly, he feels he is letting the other dominate him. If he waits before responding, then he is thinking it over and making an independent decision to do it. 

While hanging out with friends, Ron went upstairs to talk to Karen. She tended to speak loudly and bluntly. As she told him of some honey-dos, he snapped, “Keep it down! My friends can hear you, and they’ll think that you just order me around all the time.” 

Karen was not using short speeches.  She was making many requests at one time and waiting for Ron’s agreement. If she had made one or two requests and then turned away, she would have given Ron the time and space he needs to think it over and ‘act independently.’

The key to successful short speeches is for the woman to turn away and discourage the man from responding verbally. Instead, she waits to see what he does.
   
Maureen had a bad habit of raising her voice whenever her husband did anything ‘wrong,’ leading to loud arguments and fighting. She learned to use short speeches to control herself. When Glen put up the patio sunshade, she observed, “It’s not quite in line with the edge of patio,” and walked away. About half an hour later he came in: “I’m going to run into town….  By the way, I moved the sunshade over a few inches.”  Maureen: “OK.  Great.”

Without looking at Brad, Linda mentions, “We have to do something about all the money we pay in storage fees!”  The next day Brad shows up with a 26-foot truck, and they head off to clean out their storage lockers. In the past, whenever Linda brought up the subject and waited for his response, Brad would walk away without taking any action.
   
Norm has been a penny pincher for all his 40 years of marriage with Lucy.  Now Lucy gives occasional short speeches, such as: “We have plenty of money, and you act like we’re broke.” “I can’t buy a thing without talking to you first.” “Why don’t you stop fretting so much about the cost?”  She finds these gradually make a difference. 
   
On their anniversary Norm surprises her by driving up to the Black Angus Restaurant. He looks at her shocked face, “Do you want to eat here?”  Lucy exclaims, “Of course!” He sighs, “I’m doing this against my better judgment.”  She asks, “Would you rather go to El Pollo Loco?”  “No!” he replies firmly, and climbs out of the car.

Another hint for women:  If the man responds to the short speech, don’t follow his response with a discussion.  Stay silent.

Staring at the boxes and belongings piled into their new home, Shannon exclaims, “Where’s all this stuff going to go? We don’t need two saddles in here.”  Bob: “I hadn’t thought of that.”  Later, he walks into the kitchen, “I made a space for the second saddle in the garage.” 

Bob responded to Shannon’s short speech with “I hadn’t thought of that.”  In the past Shannon would have taken Bob’s response as an opening to say more, and Bob would have become irritated with her “going on and on.” But having learned how well short speeches work, Shannon was careful to say no more. And Bob followed through positively.

Hints on giving short speeches:

• Discourage a verbal response. Accept silence. Turn away immediately, such as by walking away, turning the body or face away, staring at the TV, changing the topic, or getting involved in something else.

• Speak with as little emotion as possible.

• If he gives an excuse, be encouraging while giving him lots of ‘space.’  For example, if he complains, “I’ve got too much else to do,” try responding, “Well, whatever you can do, that’d be great.”  This response affirms your desire and your appreciation, but gives him freedom to do it when he’s ready to or not do it at all.

• Give him plenty of time to respond in action. If there is a time constraint, make it part of the short speech.  E.g. “It would help if you could do the dishes before we leave in an hour.”  “I need the car tuned up before my trip next week.”

Paul McWilliams is a licensed clinical social worker. He works at Country Oak Counseling.

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